Humor of the Day

[Looneytoons]

Terrific idea. I think I'll give that a try on my neighbor's cat.

Just kidding. I like other people's cats. I just prefer not to have one of my own. However, that never seemed to matter when my girls were living at home. They always had a couple of cats.

[JordanRHughes]

I love this thread. I must finish reading it later.

Thanks for the shares.

Jordan

[teardrop_focus]

The Defective Parrot


A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?', the guy asks. 'Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not but it's about your wife and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

[dh]

Back in the mid 90's my uncle had a black lab that always went wherever he did.

One day he walked into the bar and the dog jumped up on the bar stool next to him.

The bar tender said "You can't have that dog in here!"

My uncle said "No, you see, this here is a talking dog, look at this..." and he turned to the dog and said "what is on the top of this building?"

The dog said "ROOF"

Then my uncle asked "How does sand paper feel?"

The dog said "ROUGH"

Then my uncle asked "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"

The dog said "ROOTH"

The bar tender ordered my uncle and his dog out, as they were walking away from the bar, his dog looked up at him and said "Do you think I should havd said Mark McGwire?"

[dh]

I was driving down the highway a while back and saw this chicken in the middle of the road. I slowed down, and the chicken started running straight down the road away from me. I sped up, and so did the chicken. I was going 60 MPH and wasn't gaining on it. Suddenly the chicken turned down a dirt road, and kept on running. I had to figure this one out, so I followed it, all the way to a chicken farm. When the chicken got there, she slowed down, and I could see, it had three legs. I got out of my car, and the farmer came up and greeted me. I said, "My word, I've never seen anything like that before"

He said "Well, you see, we bread these chickens to have three legs so for every two we butcher we have an extra pair of legs to sell."

So I asked "How do they taste?"

He replied "Well, I don't reckon I know, we haven't been able to catch one yet."

[dh]

What do you get when you have a dyslexic, athiest who suffers from ensomnea?

A person who lays awake at night and wonders if there really is a dog.

[Kevin A]

CURTAIN RODS ---
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates
and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background
music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of
spring-water.


When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few
half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the
curtain
rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and
at
first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set
off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few
days,
and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had
to
move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half -
they
couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their
calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow
a
huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He
told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she
missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
divorce
settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed
on a
price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but
only if
she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed
paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....

... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[planovet]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Why can't men just ask for directions?

[Bodyman]

A woman takes a
lover home during the day while her husband is at work.



Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the

bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.
She
puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there
already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it
is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy
it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how
much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in
the closet together....

Boy: 'Dark in
here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover,
remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man:
'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove,
let's go
outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I
sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them
for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your
friends like that...that
is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking
you to church, to
confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad
makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the
door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here...'
The priest says, 'Don't start
that sh** again; you're in my closet now!!

[planovet]

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As
fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's
your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned
from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths
about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the
Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers,
when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best
stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this
with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[dh]

There was a woman on the train with her baby under a blanket. A gentleman she was sitting next to asked to see her baby. When she lifted the blanket, the man couldn't help but blurt out "Dang, thats an ugly baby!". The woman started yelling and screaming at the man, which caught the attention of an attendant. By the time the attendant arrived the woman had calmed herself down, and replied that everything was OK when he asked what the problem was. The attendant nodded at the woman, and took the drink orders for the woman and the man sitting next to her, "I'll be right back with your mineral water sir, and a sprite for you mamm. I'll see if I can dig up a bananna for you monkey too mamm."

[caseydog]

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT

SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT OF ARIZONA
Tempe, Arizona

Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding

________________________________ WILE E. COYOTE, §Plaintiff §

v. § CIVIL ACTION NO. B19294§

________________________________ ACME COMPANY, §Defendant §

OPENING STATEMENT OF HAROLD SCHOFF,

COUNSEL FOR PLAINTIFF

By Mr. Schoff:

My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions, he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, 'Defendant'), through that company's mail order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in the profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th, he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled, Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifteen feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment, the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poor design and engineering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or non-existent steering system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled led it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernst Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme 'Little Giant' Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue number 67) climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.

2. Sooty discoloration.

3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.

4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.

5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in the air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities. The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, where upon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues, a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordion-like wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.

As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and the sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again. Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.

[planovet]

[Muggnz]

[Muggnz]