Humor of the Day

[planovet]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest feeling very
fed up because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he
was brown like other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for
one thing.

Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother. He begs her:
"Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am
tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus!
You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for his package,
which is still yellow. He says to the Fairy Godmother: "Wait a minute!
My willy is still yellow!"

To this the Fairy Godmother replies: "I don't do willys. You will have
to see the The Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.
As luck would have it, he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.
He implores her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the
other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account
of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says:
"Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception
of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My willy is still
purple!"

She says: "I don't do willys, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz
for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I
find The Wizard of Oz?"

The Fairy Godmother answers: "That's easy, just follow the yellow dick toad!"

[planovet]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to be critical
of them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.

My name is Harold. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she
started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually
get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from
work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has
to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club,
so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub
when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I believe. For example,
she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour.. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse,
so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two, or even three, days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I
also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell
her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade
and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself,
she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Anne. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows better than I
do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if
you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


NOTE:
Harold died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife, Anne, was
arrested and charged with murder. The all-female jury deliberated only
10 minutes before finding her not guilty, accepting her defense that
Harold, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[planovet]

[Muggnz]

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.

Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of seamen.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.

Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....

Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL

Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

[halfdome, Danny]

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

[Kevin A]

----- The economy is so bad that-

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Kevin A]

From a recent e-mail:

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard .

[planovet]

A Texas farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a
door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee
answered.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like
to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and
asked,"Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes
ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice
and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from
the other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are
they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my
soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed
out of my peaches."

[planovet]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.

The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample,
and a blood sample."

The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again.

Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A
URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair
of your underwear!"

[planovet]

[starleen2]

JOKE DE JOUR: A survey found that "doggie style" is the most common sexual position for married couples. The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

[SmokeyBob]

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

---------------

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[planovet]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and
gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I
burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.
I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the
parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old
lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the cyanide
dissolve. Then some jack-ass shows up and drinks the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[High Desert]

an oldie but a goodie;

SIPPING VODKA

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp..
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8- David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh!t out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$$.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Juneaudave]

Bob the Teardropper meets this blonde in a bar and cant take his eyes off her - beautiful in every way - long hair, tall and porportioned just right. What intrigues him the most is her velvety smooth skin.
"How do you get your skin so soft and radiant"?
"I bathe every night in warm milk" she says.
"Pasturize"? he asks.
"No" comes the reply - "just up to my boobs"