Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[mezmo]

Hi Ms. Judith/Ms SmokeyBob,

I enjoyed your little "Tea Story"!

One of my sisters did the exact same thing at a Christmas
gathering at about the same age. Our Mom kept it on the QT
though, once she discovered what was going on - bravely
trying to uphold the 'propriety' of the 1950s.

None of my sister's "Tea" recipients ever knew
the real source of their "beverage".

Cheers,
Norm/mezmo

[SmokeyBob]

Oklahoma Declares War on the USA

The president was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, Mr. Presidentâ€

[SmokeyBob]

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

[SmokeyBob]

CAPTAIN TO SERGEANT: Tomorrow there will be a sun eclipse, so I have resolved that the company will be at the drill field in campaign uniform, where I will give explanations about the phenomenon, which does not happens every day. If it rains, though, the company will remain in quarters.

SERGEANT TO CORPORAL: By orders of our captain, there will be a sun eclipse tomorrow in campaign uniform. The whole company must be present at the drill field, where our captain will give explanations about the phenomenon inside the quarters, which doesn't happen every day if it rains.

CORPORAL TO PRIVATES: Tomorrow, there'll be a sun eclipse, which will give the necessary explanations about our captain. The phenomenon will go out in campaign uniform to the drill field, except if it rains in the quarters, which doesn't happen every day.

PRIVATE TO RECRUIT: We'll go out tomorrow to a campaign in a sun eclipse that our captain's phenomenon fixed up to rain uniforms in the drill field. If it rains, though, the company will give explanations in quarters, which doesn't happen every day.

RECRUIT TO FAMILY: Tomorrow will rain a sun eclipse in quarters, which our captain gave the company so the drill phenomenon will go to the uniform campaign. If it rains in the uniforms, which doesn't happen every day, we'll have to take the eclipse inside quarters.

[len19070]

Just got a new Car, took it out for a drive and got a citation for Indecent Exposure.

Apparently that's not what a Moon Roof is for!

Happy Trails

Len

[SmokeyBob]

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

[SmokeyBob]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

[SmokeyBob]

How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the %#&* cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little &%$#*'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

[SmokeyBob]

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.

One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.

'No, no, no!' she screamed.

'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'

With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

[SmokeyBob]

I arrived home from work at my usual time, 5 PM. I quickly discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days.

Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 PM things had not gotten any better, so before a fight started in earnest I suggested, "Why don't I go outside, pretend I've just gotten home, and start all over again?"

My wife agreed. I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been? It's after seven o'clock!"

[teardrop_focus]

A duck walks into a bar one day at lunch time. He orders a beer and a ham sandwich. After several days of the same lunch order the bartender says "Never saw a duck eat lunch in here before." The duck replies, "Better get used to it. I'm working on the construction job across the street."

A few days later the circus comes to town and the ringmaster comes into the bar for lunch. The bartender tells him about the talking duck that drinks beer and eats sandwiches. The ringmaster asks the bartender to send the duck down to the circus for a job.

The next day the duck comes in and the bartender tells him about the job offer. The duck looks surprised and asks "The circus is where animals do tricks inside a big tent, right?" The bartender agrees. The duck asks, "What the hell would they need with a drywaller?"

[SmokeyBob]

A Government advisory said that anyone traveling in icy weather conditions should take:

~ A shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
~ Extra clothing, including scarf, hat and gloves
~ 24 hour supply of food
~ 5 pounds of rock salt
~ Flashlight with spare batteries
~ Road flares and reflective triangles
~ Tow rope
~ Five gallon can of gas
~ First aid kit
~ jumper cables

I looked like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.

[SmokeyBob]

My wife asked me this morning, "Whacha doin' today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "That's what you did yesterday."

"I wasn't finished."

[planovet]