Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

I was sitting at the blackjack table distressed and wondering what I was even doing there. Just then, I remembered seeing a sign in the casino that read, "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800- GAMBLER."

I pulled out my cell phone and made the call.

"Gamblers' Anonymous, how can I help you?"

"I have a gambling problem."

"It is good you called I want to acknowledge you for taking a step in the right direction. Now, let's get a bit more specific about your problem."

"Okay. I have an ace and a six. The dealer is showing a seven. What do I do?"

[SmokeyBob]

A new supermarket opened near me. It has an automatic water misting device to keep produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the dairy case, you hear cows moo, and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Jiminsav]

#
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

[SmokeyBob]

#
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

[SmokeyBob]

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up.

The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

[SmokeyBob]

Mission Statement: "A long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly.

All good companies have one.

[SmokeyBob]

The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal. “I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity.â€

[SmokeyBob]

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me," I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

[SmokeyBob]

A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air.
A psychotic is the person who lives in it.
A psychiatrist is the one who collects the rent.

[steve smoot]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death..

Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Judy............Judy"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and
then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp
around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon..

After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, George...are you in Heaven?"

"No.............I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

[steve smoot]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.




The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'







While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.



They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...


'Go get your Mother'

[SmokeyBob]

[SmokeyBob]

The doctor: 'John, I have some good news and some bad news.'

John: 'Give me the good news.'

The doctor: 'They're going to name a disease after you.'

[SmokeyBob]

As the police officer handed me the ticket I grumbled, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

[SmokeyBob]

The Arrogance of Authority
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge! Show him your BADGE !"