Humor of the Day

[Senior Ninja]

A lawyer and his client are the last two people to get into a crowded elevator.
The client asks the lawyer, "so, will you take my case?" The lawyer replies, Yes, but there's just one question you have to answer for me. Why did you choke that man to death with your bare hands?" The client replies, "he kept staring at the back of my head!"

[SmokeyBob]

At the dinner table with a large number of guests, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I don't know what to say."

"Just say what you hear Mommy say."

The little girl bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[SmokeyBob]

One woman was bragging to her next door neighbor about her son, a college student at the University of Illinois.

"Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him, we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from our son in college, we have to go to the bank!"

[Senior Ninja]

Credit (Blame) Larry the Cable guy.
"Went to the drugstore and asked the clerk if I could get Viagra over the counter."
He said, "son I don't how big it will get!"

[SmokeyBob]

Newlywed Kitchen Diary

Monday: Now home from our honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I only had four bowls, so I had to borrow eight more from the neighbors to beat the eggs in, but the cake turned out fine!

Tuesday: I thought I'd surprise Bill with a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said "serve without dressing". Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper, and did they ever look surprised when I served that salad!

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I went next door to my Mom's garden and tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk!

Sunday: Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the fridge was hamburger. So I put the hamburger in my new oven and set the control for "roast". The oven must not be working right because it still came out hamburger!

[SmokeyBob]

A Newlywed story.

When Judith and I were newlyweds she found out that I liked Jello. I came home from work one night and Judith told me that she had made me a supprise and it was in the kitchen. I went to the kitchen, looked around, but I didn't see anything. I said, Judith where is the surprise. She said it's in the freezer.
There in the freezer was a large bowl of frozen Jello. I asked Judith why she froze the Jello.
She said on the package it said to chill.

[wired]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?"...

[wired]

A cannibal is complaining to a fellow tribesman that he cannot seem to get his captives to cook up tender no matter how he prepares them. He has tried poaching, boiling, braising, barbqueing, saute'ing - you name it, he has tried it and yet the captives still come out tough and stringy.
His friend asks him where does he obtain his captives? The fellow responds that he goes upriver a few miles to a missionary encampment - "you know the one where the fellows all wear brown robes tied with a rope, and they all have that funny bowl shaped haircut with the bald spot on top"
His friend answers "No Wonder! That's your problem. Those are FRIARS!

[StPatron]

Tebow, Tebow, Tebow.. that's all I hear anymore. I haven't heard this much talk about a white Bronco since the OJ chase.

[SmokeyBob]

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.

Michael, what would you do in a case like this"?

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

[SmokeyBob]

Mowing the Lawn

There was a small town nestled in a valley that was powered by a dam. One day, the dam broke and flooded the valley. Naturally, everyone headed for higher ground. Once they all arrived, they began scanning the area for people or animals who needed help.

After a few hours of looking, it seemed that they were all safe, but then they could see a little straw hat bobbing downstream about 50 yards and then bobbing back upstream 50 yards. It then moved to the side and bobbed downstream and then back upstream and it kept repeating this.

Nobody could figure out why the hat was behaving so strangely. After they pondered this for awhile, a young boy recalled his granddad saying that come hell or high water, he was going to get the lawn mowed!

[SmokeyBob]

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library. The librarian quips after checking the books.

"Sir, your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book."

The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix whenever I see one."

[SmokeyBob]

A sixtyish woman whose husband was overly attentive to the young ladies at a party explained to a neighbor: "He's like a puppy running after cars. He doesn't want to catch one - he just wants to bark at them a little."

[SmokeyBob]

Two little boys, ages eight and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent the eight-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son"?

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed and his mouth hanging open. So, the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God"?

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God"?

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened"?

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time. "God is missing and they think we did it!"

[SmokeyBob]

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service representative for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."