Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

[SmokeyBob]

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"

[mcspin50]

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." 
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco!"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Costco!

[planovet]

A guy goes into the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am
every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
point in you coming in for that."

[SmokeyBob]

Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all of the diplomas, he requested, "Will all the cum laudes please stand up?"

My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"

[jstrubberg]

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks...

"Can you make me one with everything?"

[Shug]

Then the pizza guy says to the Dalai lama 6.50 please. Dalai lama gives him 10 bucks. Pizza guy takes it. Dalai lama says What about the change? Pizza guy says 'change comes from within'....

[SmokeyBob]

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man"?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian"?

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young, determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost"?

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection"? the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is it gonna be"?

Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

[SmokeyBob]

Pauly got a job as a casket salesman in the local funeral home. He's talking to an older guy who came in to plan his funeral for "one of these days."

"Now, sir," says Pauly, "I think you'll want this model. It's a beautiful piece of equipment and a steal at $4,000."

"No," said the old guy. "That's really too much for a casket. How much is this one right here?"

"Oh," said Pauly, "it's the bottom of the line and is just $1,000."

"I think I'd like that one," said the old guy.

"Wait just a minute, sir. This casket is very narrow. You just lie down in here and try to spread your elbows!"

[SmokeyBob]

"It seems like all Alfred and I do any more is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?"

"Oh, no! Not until I've lost another five pounds."

[SmokeyBob]

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"?

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

[SmokeyBob]

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 and then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing"? he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week, my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to give her back."

[SmokeyBob]

Daughter's First Date

Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder and pull him close to me so that only he can hear."

"Then I'll say, 'Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember, I don't mind going back to prison.'"

[SmokeyBob]

The high school music director said to the cymbal player, "You're constantly coming in at the wrong time."

"My entry point gives a much better effect and I won't play it as written," the cymbal player said.

Later, the principal asked the music director, "Why did you kick that young musician out of the band?"

"It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience." I know, I couldn't help myself.

[SmokeyBob]

Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him everyday. One day, Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow, you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight, a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," Moe. Moe."

"Who is it"? asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it"?

"Moe, it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you"?

"In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So, what's the bad news"?

"You're pitching Tuesday."