Dad Jokes

[Tom&Shelly]

Crime is so bad in Albuquerque someone even stole all the toilets from the police station.

APD says they have nothing to go on.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Hickory Dickory Doc,

Two mice run up a clock.

The clock struck one,

The other one got away.

Hickory Dickory Doc.

Leroy Troy

[Tom&Shelly]

Why did the bicycle fall over?

It was two-tired!

Tom

[rjgimp]

I once pretended to be asleep and I fell asleep.

Today I will pretend to be skinny.

[Tom&Shelly]

No one goes to downtown Albuquerque anymore, there's too much traffic!

But I do know someone who drove all the way across Albuquerque in record time. He hit all the green lights....

...three yield signs, a few street lights, and a pedestrian.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

I once pretended to be asleep and I fell asleep.

Today I will pretend to be skinny.

Gotta be careful of that:

I once pretended I knew what I was talking about on a particular technical subject.

Today I'm a consultant!

Tom

[rjgimp]

I was kicked out of a local park after lining all the squirrels up by height.

They didn't want me critter sizing.

[Tom&Shelly]

Do you suppose inanimate objects care whether you anthropomorphize them?

Tom

[rjgimp]

My wife and I decided never to go to bed angry.

We have now been awake five days...

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Or maybe I did: I climbed over her to get out on her side of the teardrop.

Either way, she's been mad at me all day!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Little brother and big sister: "Tell us a scary story Daddy!"

Dad: " Well, okay. This is the story about a king and his castle long ago, and a monster called Yellow Fingers, who lived in the moat. The monster wouldn't let anyone leave the castle, so the king decided it was necessary to slay that monster, and he sent out his knights. But Yellow Fingers was too tough, and ate all the knights.

So the king sent out his squires, and the squires did battle with Yellow Fingers, but the monster was too powerful, and ate them.

Finally in desparation, the king sent out his pages. And, somehow, the pages defeated the monster Yellow Fingers, and were able to leave the castle!

And the moral of the story is: Let your pages do the walking through the Yellow Fingers."

Little sister: "I don't get it."

Dad: "Well, this was a time long ago, before there were cell phones."

Little brother: "That is scary."

Dad: "And the telephone company would print a book, free to everyone, that had everyone's name, phone number, and address."

Little brother: "Aaaaahhhhhh!"

Little sister: "Yikes! That is so scary!"

[FischAutoTechGarten]

What do Jabba the Hutt and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name...

[Tom&Shelly]

Saw a bill board on a freeway into Chicago this morning: "This is your sign that you shouldn't drive high".

We laughed so hard we spilled the bong!

Tom

[rjgimp]

Saw a bill board on a freeway into Chicago this morning: "This is your sign that you shouldn't drive high".

We laughed so hard we spilled the bong!

Tom

[rjgimp]

I am organizing the honey-do jar into categories and scheduling the various tasks.

It is my oughttobiography.