Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Three drunks hailed a taxi.

The taxi driver, seeing that they were wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, then said "We are here!"

The first guy gave him money.

The second guy said, "Thanks."

But the third guy slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch.

"So what was that for?" He asked.

"Control your speed next time," the third guy shouted. "You almost killed us!"

[SmokeyBob]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"

[halfdome, Danny]

This Guy Is Nuts
Danny

[SmokeyBob]

Little Known Computer Viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

[alaska teardrop]

[planovet]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling
faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the
biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays
along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted
to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,
and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored
being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and
she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was
Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away
my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson
with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

Business Slogans

Plumber says: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

Tire shop worker says: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

Electrician says: “Let us remove your shorts.”

Optometrist says: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

Taxidermist says: “We really know our stuff.”

Podiatrist says: “Time wounds all heels.”

Pizza Chef says: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

[SmokeyBob]

Maybe It's Time To Quit Smoking

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

[planovet]

Business Slogans

Plumber says: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

Tire shop worker says: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

Electrician says: “Let us remove your shorts.”

Optometrist says: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

Taxidermist says: “We really know our stuff.”

Podiatrist says: “Time wounds all heels.”

Pizza Chef says: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

Veterinarian says: “Be back in 5 minutes . . . Sit! . . . Stay!”

[SmokeyBob]

My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful.

“You know,” he said to our grandson, “it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’m in the fourth quarter now.”

“Don’t worry, Grandpa,” Our grandson said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go into overtime.”

[SmokeyBob]

Brown Paper Pete

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

[SmokeyBob]

Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip.

He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge.

One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon.

Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!"

[SmokeyBob]

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, the center's director told him that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politicians brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politicians brain? Why on earth is that?"


"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"

[SmokeyBob]

Mother – I need to speak to the doctor, it’s an emergency, my infant has a temperature of 101.

Doctor to Secretary – Find out how she’s taking the temperature.

Secretary – How are you taking it?

Mother – Oh, I’m holding up OK.…