Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Q. Why didn't Dracula get married?
A. He never met a nice Ghoul!

Q. How do you help chickens that are possessed by evil spirits?
A. Get an "eggsorcist" !

Q. How can you tell that Doctor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
A. Because he kept his monster in stitches.

Q. What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?
A. Pumpkin Pi

[SmokeyBob]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm not Catholic."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

[SmokeyBob]

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

[SmokeyBob]

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on those decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answer from the group was unanimous, "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker. "There would still be five, because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

[SmokeyBob]

The woman applying for the job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look miss," said the foreman. "Do you have any experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

[SmokeyBob]

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses"?

"What happened"? I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary"?

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

[SmokeyBob]

Granny Adams made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"

"Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it."

"Okay," I said. "Tell me!"

"Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.

Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full.

Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.

Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!"

[SmokeyBob]

My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."

"But Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet. "Frost chose the road less traveled and unfortunately for you, this wasn't it!"

[SmokeyBob]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[SmokeyBob]

After being away on business, John thought it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.

"That's a bit much," said John, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," John complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said John, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

[SmokeyBob]

Bowling Rules

Joe wanted to take up bowling, so his friend Dan decided to teach him about it.

"First, you have to line your feet up with the center pin. Next, roll the ball down and try to knock down as many pins as you can, but DO NOT knock all of them down, or they cheat you out of your second ball!"

[SmokeyBob]

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am"?

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16 and your figure, 25."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying, "Whoa, hold on there sweetie! I haven't added them up yet!"

[SmokeyBob]

There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy there. He wanted to go into business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough so that he could quit and start his own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located, so I stopped by for a visit.

"Hey, John! I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter which twelve hours you work!"

[SmokeyBob]

A husband and wife went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on. Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days, I play golf."

[SmokeyBob]

A middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only six month's to live because of a terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.

The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. "What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"