Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

One year Santa is forced to have an official from the FAA check his sleigh to make sure it’s airworthy.

The official checks out the sleigh on the ground then sits beside Santa for a test flight.

Suddenly Santa notices the official has a revolver in his pocket. ‘What’s that for?’ he asks. ‘You’re not a hijacker are you?’

‘No,’ replies the official. ‘But we have to see how you handle this craft when you lose an engine on take-off.’

[SmokeyBob]

What do you call a bunch of Grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

[SmokeyBob]

In a small southern town in Texas there was a nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature stood out. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, a visitor decided to ask a local what it meant. At a shop on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

The woman sighed, ‘People these days never do read the Bible!’

The visitor assured her that he did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face she said, ‘See, it says right here, “The three wise man came from afar.”’

[SmokeyBob]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a football player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

[Redneck Teepee]

In church one Sunday the preacher had them all singing, praying and rolling in the floor when all of a sudden the church doors blew open and a ball of fire rolled to the front pulpit, from that ball of fire Satan himself appeared, they all started running out the doors and diving out the windows, even the preacher dove out the side window, all left the building except one little old man who sat with a cane in the front row, Satan said "do you know who I am" of course I do he replied, Satan says " your not afraid", the little old man smirked and said, "afraid of you, why should I be afraid of you, I've been married to your sister for 60 years"!

[SmokeyBob]

Resolutions You Can Keep

1.) Gain at least 30 pounds.

2.) Read less.

3.) Stop exercising. It's a waste of time.

4.) Watch more TV.

5.) Procrastinate more.

6.) Start being superstitious.

7.) Spend more time at work.

8.) Stop bring lunch from home and eat out more.

9.) Sleep more.

10.) Start a new bad habit.

[SmokeyBob]

A New Year Prayer for the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

[SmokeyBob]

One winter morning during breakfast, a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have eight to ten inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so that the snowplows can get through."

Ever thoughtful and wanting to save his wife the trouble, the husband went out and moved his wife's car.

A week later, while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so that the snowplows can get through."

"I'll take care of it." He said, and went out and moved the car again.

The next week, they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."

Then the electric power went out. Th man was very upset and said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so that the snowplows can get through?"

With love and understanding in her voice, the wife replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[SmokeyBob]

A man driving to visit relatives, got lost on a rural Wyoming road. He sees a local and stops.

"Does this road go to Laramie?"

"I dunno."

"Is there a place near here with phone reception so I can make a call?"

"I dunno."

"Well how about a nearby drugstore or town - can you tell me how far away one might be?"

"Nope."

"You don't know much do you?"

"Nope - but I aint lost."

[SmokeyBob]

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.

Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been 10 years!"

With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

Man: "Thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been 10 years!"

The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of 12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Then the girl says, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

[SmokeyBob]

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Tom, smiling but looking a little nervous, leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?

[SmokeyBob]

Three criminals are sentenced to exile in the desert and can only bring one personal item.

"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.

"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.

The third criminal looks proud of himself. "I brought a car door, so when it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

[SmokeyBob]

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those jerks at Home Depot ever deliver the damn sheet rock…”

[Prem]

PRESS RELEASE:

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNTnDO.

[SmokeyBob]

Signs You Have A Bad Lawyer

You met him in prison.

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

A prison guard is shaving your head.

Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25."

Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."