Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

The Chicken

Why did the chicken cross the road?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

[cracker39]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cracker39: To show a possum that it can be done!!!

[D. Tillery]

Toypusher, yes but I figured I needed to clean it up a bit.

My favorite Great Uncle Jack from Pittsburg, TX, (at least that was his last stop) home of the world famous Pittsburg Hot Links, used to say: " Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end the faster it goes."

He also used to quote Groucho Marx: "If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself."

[Jiminsav]

Life is like a poop sandwich...the more bread you have, the less poop you have to eat

[Gage]

This is the transcription of an ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, Ireland, in October of 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH.

I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse...............Your Call.


Have a good day.

[asianflava]

I think I saw a commercial of that. It was somewhere online I'll have to find it.

Edit: OK, I found it. It's an ad for Silva compasses. video clip

[Steve_Cox]

[dmb90260]

For the dogs and elk lovers among us......

In the dog world there is one story that is legend: Dogs In Elk
Since it is very long I will provide the link instead of filling the page.
First is the testimonial from the woman involved:
http://alumni.media.mit.edu/~solan/dogsinelk/validity.htm

You can read that or cut to the chase :
http://tabletalk.salon.com/webx?14@@.ee90352/1317

When you finish the first page, click on "next" and look for message #1395. From that point you are on your own.

I am surprised this did not make it on Snopes.

[asianflava]

Someone just sent me this:

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the Wife passed away. The undertaker told the Husband. "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ? "

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

[bledsoe3]

[D. Tillery]

So "the boss" she says to me, "I bet you'd never miss if we had one of these."

[Jiminsav]

Welp, it was bound to happen..they found a guy murdered down town today..he was in the bath tub..they poured milk over him..and dump in six boxes of cherrio's..honey nut cherrios..





they think it's a cereal killer.

[halfdome, Danny]

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Oklahoma Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be a cop, eh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc".
He stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"
The blonde immediately sa! id, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde, Tamara, and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He lashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right.
Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,

"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"
Tamara rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[Jiminsav]

Halfdome..you ain't right

so, what goes vrooom, screech..vrooom, screech...vrooom, screech...



a blonde at a blinking red light

[bg]

Funyn mouse and cheese video, 1 MB file