Humor of the Day

[Redneck Teepee]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

[SmokeyBob]

A man got really drunk one night in his local bar.

The bartender refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home.

The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be fine.

So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more, he decided to crawl home.

When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep.

When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him why he was drinking all night at the bar.

He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the bartender called to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

[Nesandhills]

Last week I went by one of those speed cameras along the side of the road, it flashed as I went by. I looked down and I was well under the speed limit. So around the block I went to go by again even a bit slower, again it flashed. Again I went around the block to go by this time at a snail's pace, it flashed again! A week later I received 3 tickets for failure to wear seat belts....

[SmokeyBob]

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my baseball bat, thinking that could scare him off, and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner with the bat raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I thought I heard an intruder. 
I came down to scare him.”

She looked my naked self up and down and mumbled, “You didn’t need the bat."

[SmokeyBob]

A mom was concerned about her Kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe.

So, she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her"?

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The friend said, "Well, who is she"?

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied. "And her daughter Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us"?

"Well," Timmy explained. "Every night, my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"

[SmokeyBob]

Dear Cats and Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note - placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything larger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit trough the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's behind. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Thank you.

[SmokeyBob]

Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

[len19070]

Bert was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Bert's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Bert's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Bert was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Happy Trails

Len

[SmokeyBob]

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT

[SmokeyBob]

Six nuns were in their third-floor sleeping quarters in the convent when a fire broke out one night.

The nuns quickly took off their habits, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out of the window

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and asked her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits might have ripped or broken since, they are so old?

The nun smiled and replied, "Oh, no, dear, we weren't worried at all. Don't you know old habits are hard to break?"

[SmokeyBob]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

[len19070]

Breaking news just in.
A midget fortune teller was arrested. Before they could do the paperwork, she ran away from the police.

Please be on the lookout for a " small medium at large "

Happy Trails

Len

[SmokeyBob]

Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again.

"So Ron. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"

"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"

[SmokeyBob]

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after three days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years, you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!

Day One

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

Day Two

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half a bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with a spoon.

Day Three

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.

Final Day

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

[SmokeyBob]

Top 10 Caddy Replies

10.) Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long"?

9.) Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try Heaven, you've already moved most of the Earth.

8.) Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving"?
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

7.) Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron"?
Caddy: "Eventually."

6.) Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

5.) Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."

4.) Golfer: "How do you like my game"?
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3.) Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday"?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2.) Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

1.) Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."