Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"?

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it"?

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one that I really liked."

Man: "How much"?

Woman: "$90,000."

Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."

Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[robfisher]

SmokeyBob, I just realized how much I need to take the time to thank you for your years of service on this board. You Humor of the day is a always a joyful moment of my day.

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

[SmokeyBob]

SmokeyBob, I just realized how much I need to take the time to thank you for your years of service on this board. You Humor of the day is a always a joyful moment of my day.

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Hey Rob
I glade you enjoy the humor. Posting the jokes and the thoughts for the day gives me a way to be part of this great forum. I do have to give credit to Tony for starting the humor thread.

You have a great day and thank you.

[SmokeyBob]

At a pre-birth class for couples who had already had at least one child, the instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much, I decided to bring home another wife?'"

One of the women immediately responded, "Does she cook?"

[SmokeyBob]

Billy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

[SmokeyBob]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[SmokeyBob]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

[SmokeyBob]

Quick Ones

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Beer please, and one for the road.''

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

[SmokeyBob]

One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.

Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.

The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.

After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.

All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.

Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"

Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"

"Well yeah. We both saw him. Why?"

"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."

[SmokeyBob]

Derek was walking through the woods when he came to a river. He walked long the bank for a while looking for a way to get across.

After a while he spotted someone else on the opposite bank, so he called out,"How do I get to the other side?"

The other person yelled back, "You ARE on the other side!"

[SmokeyBob]

Arthur just received his brand new driver’s license. The family went out to the driveway, then climbed into the car, where Arthur was going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," dad replied, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

[SmokeyBob]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[SmokeyBob]

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he's sitting down, he hears the man next to him tell the bartender, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the fellow a tall, well-iced drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Thinking the other man's drink may be a specialty of the house, he says, "I'll have a waterloo, too."

The bartender gives him the tall, well-iced drink and the customer takes a big drink.

"Hey," he says. "This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water. Right, Lou"?

[SmokeyBob]

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it weighed 10 pounds!"

Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

[SmokeyBob]

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.
He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."