Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

The football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured. The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to do."

"On first down, run it to the left. On second down, run it to the right. On third down run it up the middle. The, on fourth down, punt it as far as you can punt it. "OK coach!" said the quarterback.

On first down he ran it to the left for 30 yards. On second down he ran it to the right for 40 more. On third down he ran it up the middle down to the one yard line. Then, on 4th down, the quarterback dropped back and punted the ball right out of the end zone.

When he got to the sideline, the coach was screaming! "What were you thinking?!!!?!!!"

The quarterback replied, "I was thinking I must be playing for the dumbest coach in the world."

[SmokeyBob]

There are two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says, "You man the guns, I'll drive."

[SmokeyBob]

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon.

He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot.

There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

[SmokeyBob]

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day.

That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck.

“Where is Mike?” asked another hunter.

“He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered.

“You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”

“A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Mike.”

[SmokeyBob]

Three farmers are talking about their apple crop.

The first one says, "I grew an apple so big, when I put it on a chair, the chair broke."

The second one says, "I grew an even bigger apple. When I put it on a table, the table broke."

The third one says, "I grew a pretty big one, too. I put it in a wagon."

The first farmer asks, "Did it break?"

The farmer answers, "No, a worm got out of it and ate the horse!"

[SmokeyBob]

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like.

“You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

[SmokeyBob]

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide

Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
To invent the other side

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull?
Just the pit bull

[SmokeyBob]

A man clutching a smartphone goes to a doctor's office and waits nervously until his name is called.

Once he's in the examing room, he tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

[SmokeyBob]

A cop comes across two tipsy guys pulling on the doors to a car.

"What's going on here?" The officer asks.

The first guy says, "I've locked my keys in the car and I can't get!"

The other guy says, "But we have to keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down."

[Redneck Teepee]

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide

Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
To invent the other side

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull?
Just the pit bull

I vision the day.. that a chicken can cross the road without it's motives being questioned!

[SmokeyBob]

Two elderly church ladies were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.

One church lady asks the other if she would like a beer.

The other lady answered that would be good, but that since they have a reputation for being pillars of the community, she would be queasy about purchasing it.

The first lady said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the woman said, "This is for washing our hair."

The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."

[SmokeyBob]

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!

[SmokeyBob]

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

[SmokeyBob]

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

[SmokeyBob]

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner replied, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Robert, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Robert."