Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember this: if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

[SmokeyBob]

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing

[SmokeyBob]

Timmy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,"There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

[SmokeyBob]

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Jill.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I
couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't
you take my brother Peter along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Jill pointed
out.

The next day Jack teed off with Peter looking on. Jack swung, and the
ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked
Jack.

"Yup," Peter answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

[SmokeyBob]

Jimmy Jr. came home with great excitement, saying, "Dad! Dad! Coming back from the mall, I ran home behind the bus all the way and saved the eighty-five cent fare."

Jimmy Sr. chided him, and shouted, "Spendthrift! Why didn't you run behind a cab and save $5.00?"

[SmokeyBob]

The "Bird Lady" was a difficult independent 75-year-old who sat in the park feeding the pigeons every day.

One morning she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company.

Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in the rich suburban neighborhood.

Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere... when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.

Without hesitation the Bird lady replied angrily: "But I can't throw that far!"

[SmokeyBob]

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.

"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, but on one condition."

"What's that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

[SmokeyBob]

A new employee calls the help desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are there to protect you," the help desk technician explains. "So, if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there isn't anyone standing behind me."

[SmokeyBob]

A kindergarten teacher was observing her class of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

[SmokeyBob]

Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.

"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks.

"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.

"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.

"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor, "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".

"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.
"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."

[SmokeyBob]

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago."

[SmokeyBob]

Men are the best people to share your secret with.

They won’t tell anyone because they probably weren’t even listening to you.

[SmokeyBob]

The Hidden Meaning of Recruitment Ads

"Competitive salary rate" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Duties will vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Join our dynamic company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual working environment" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be deadline oriented" - You will be 6 months behind on your first day.

"Some overtime required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Must have an eye for detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking wide experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Good communication skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

"Problem solving skills needed" - You are walking into a company in continual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

[SmokeyBob]

A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company. He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?"

Well you know me, she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!"

He then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?"

He repeats."Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me."

He then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him. "Well, you can see my dilemma. What do you think?"

The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.
"Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need."

[SmokeyBob]

The Interview

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four."

The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says; "What do you want it to equal?"