Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night"?

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

[SmokeyBob]

Halloween Hints

One witch told another witch, “I want one of those new computers that has a spell checker.”

Don’t bother inviting the Invisible Man to your Halloween party. He won’t show up. Sometimes he makes excuses, but they’re all transparent.

You don’t have to worry about Daylight Savings Time at Halloween. The holiday is always on Green Witch Mean Time.

[SmokeyBob]

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

[SmokeyBob]

John, a city slicker from Boston, bought a pumpkin patch. He thought that he could make more money from chickens than the previous owner made from pumpkins, so he went to a poultry farm and bought 50 chickens.

'50 is a lot of chickens for that little pumpkin patch,' commented the proprietor. 'I am used to big business' John replied.'

A week later John was back at the farm. 'I need another 50 chickens,' he said. 'Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,' the poultry farmer told him.
'Oh yes,' John replied. 'It' will be Ok if I can just iron out a few problems.' 'Problems?', asked the farmer. 'Yeah,' replied the John, 'I think I planted that first batch too close together.'

[SmokeyBob]

My six-year-old son was excited about his Halloween costume.

"I'm going to be the Pope," he said.

"Ian, you can't be the Pope," I said. "You're not Catholic. You're Lutheran."

Ian hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked, "Is Dracula a Lutheran?

[SmokeyBob]

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves.

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with.

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein.

[SmokeyBob]

Bump In The Night

A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

The man begins to run toward his home, but the coffin just keeps bouncing quickly after him.

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin flapping.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

The coffin is right on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a crash, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly toward him, the man is screaming and he reaches for something, anything.

All he can find is a box of cough drops.

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin.

And, of course, the coffin stops!

[SmokeyBob]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”

[SmokeyBob]

A man and his wife, now in their 60′s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.

Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!

[SmokeyBob]

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”

[SmokeyBob]

Little Bob went with his mom to church every Sunday.

One morning in the middle of the service Bob complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke. “No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear, “just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there.”

Thirty seconds later Bob came back.

“Did you go to the bathroom?” questioned his Mom.
“No need” responded Bob. “Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it ‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there!”

[SmokeyBob]

I slept terribly last night.

So I decided to put two monster energy drinks in my coffee this morning.

I was halfway to work when I realized that I forgot my car.

[SmokeyBob]

“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”

“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”
“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”

[SmokeyBob]

A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks.

Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.

The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!"
“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?"

[Frankelson]

Two ducks were swimming on a pond when one of them went "Quack".
The other looked at him and said: "I was going to say that."