Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

I had worked late and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down. Our heads collided and I sported an impressive shiner for several weeks.

I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I came by it and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and exclaimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"

"The dog did it," I wearily replied.

A man standing next to us looked over at me and said knowingly, "Ah, you must own a boxer."

[SmokeyBob]

I worked on a toll road, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets.

One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike.

After I said everything was A-okay, she told me a friend was coming for dinner.

Then came the stumper. “If my friend just left from exit twelve,” she asked, “what time should I put the turkey in?”

[SmokeyBob]

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred
a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

[SmokeyBob]

Zingers

If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
Because they never learned good table manners!

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

[SmokeyBob]

Like Mother, Like Daughter

We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.

Our daughter turned to my wife and said, "Mom, you always did it that way."

"Yes," my wife replied, "but you don't have a cat!"

[SmokeyBob]

Eddie in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, "I'm sorry to tell you but your mother and I are getting a divorce. I just cannot tolerate any more of her constant complaining. We can't stand the sight of each other any more. I'm telling you first, Jerry, because you're the oldest. Please tell your sister."

When Jerry calls his sister Julie in Miami, she says: "No way are they getting divorced. I'll go there for Thanksgiving and talk them out of it."

Julie phones here father and tells him: "You must not get divorced. Promise me you won't do anything until I get over there. I'm calling Jerry and we'll both be there with you tomorrow. Until then, don't take any action. Please listen to me." Then she hangs up.

The father puts down the phone, turns to his wife Frances and says, "Good news! Jerry and Julie are coming for Thanksgiving, and they're both paying their own way."

[SmokeyBob]

Five Ways To Shake Up Thanksgiving

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

[SmokeyBob]

What key won't open any door?
(A turkey!)

Why did the turkey cross the road?
(It was the chicken's day off!)

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
(It was stuck on the turkey's foot!)

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
(To prove he wasn't chicken!)

What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on top of a barn?
(An eggroll!)

Where do you find a turkey with no legs?
(Exactly where you left it!)

What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
(Foul weather!)

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
(To hatchet!)

[SmokeyBob]

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.

The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE

[SmokeyBob]

It's Black Friday and mall is packed with shoppers and Frank can't find his wife.

He goes up to a very attractive woman and says 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The attractive woman replies "Why?"

Frank replies "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air."

[SmokeyBob]

Soon after their last child left home for college, Linda's husband was resting next to her on the couch with his head in her lap.

She carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

[SmokeyBob]

Scott was working at a lumberyard pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all four of his fingers.

He rushed to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the doctor took a look and said, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"I haven't got the fingers." Scott replied.

The doctor said, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"

"Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up."

[SmokeyBob]

The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first breakfast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.

"How was it, honey?" she asked when he'd finished.

"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer, but on the whole, it was a good start!"

[SmokeyBob]

My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having an old-fashioned "heart to heart" with me and said, "Hun, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."

The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"

[SmokeyBob]

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.