Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?" said Maria. "Well give me 30 Methodist, 20 Catholic and 15 Baptist, please."

[SmokeyBob]

Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say grace for the Christmas dinner.

The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his Mommy, Daddy, brothers, sister, Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then lee paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't he know that I'm lying?"

[SmokeyBob]

A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc. He served his time and was released.

He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant. He then said to the guy beside him, "You are not gonna believe what this ant can do."

He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant.

The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "You see that ant?" The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "Sorry sir it won't happen again."

[SmokeyBob]

Tech Support

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Okay."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

[Vedette]

Bob
Where do you come up with this stuff??
My sides are still aching from the other day when |I read about the new home where snow shovelling had become a way of life.
Good Roads
Brian & Sandi

[SmokeyBob]

Bob
Where do you come up with this stuff??
My sides are still aching from the other day when |I read about the new home where snow shovelling had become a way of life.
Good Roads
Brian & Sandi

The Library.

[felixx]

Little Johnny arrives at school gleaming, one of his mates asks what's up and he replies, "I was going through mum's draw and I found a whip, a mask and some handcuffs in mommy's drawer today... I can't believe it... She's a superhero!"

[SmokeyBob]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but that light bulb really has to want to change!


How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. They can't do it, it's a hardware problem.


How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
NONE, they never get the house!

[SmokeyBob]

Running

A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise.

Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner’s euphoria" was.

[SmokeyBob]

Once Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Green met during a New Year's party.

After an hour talking and drinking Mrs. Smith told her friend, "They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'"

With a great surprise Mrs. Green asked her, "Why?"

She replied, "At every party we attend, he soon gets rid of all the spirits."

[SmokeyBob]

It’s New Year’s Eve, and the restaurant is hopping—revelers, band, overworked waiters.

Wending his way through the crowd is a drunk, staggering back to his seat.

Spotting an attractive woman sitting alone, he says, “Pardon me, miss, did I step on your feet a few minutes ago?”

“Yes,” she says testily, “you did.”

“Good! I knew my table was around here somewhere.”

[SmokeyBob]

Brandon, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Justin, and asks for a cigarette.

"I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking," Justin responds.

"I'm in the process of quitting," replies Brandon with a grin. "Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."

"Phase one?" wonders Justin.

"Yeah," laughs Brandon, "I've quit buying."

[SmokeyBob]

A New Year Prayer for the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

[SmokeyBob]

New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Read less.

I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Watch less T.V. in standard definition

Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.

Watch more movie remakes.

Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
Procrastinate more

[SmokeyBob]

Comebacks

Man – Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman – Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man – Can I buy you a drink?

Woman – I think I’d rather have the money!

Man – Will you go out with me this Saturday?

Woman – Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.

Man – Is this seat empty?

Woman – Yes, and this one will be if you sit down