Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink.

"Sorry" the bartender says, "but you obviously already had a little too much to drink."

Fuming mad, the drunk walks out the front door and walks into the side door. “Can I have a drink please."

“Sorry” the bartender says “but you can’t have a drink here.”

The drunk walks out and goes in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink.”

“Enough!” The bartender screams “I told you no drinks!”
The Drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaims “Darn! how many bars do you work at?"

[SmokeyBob]

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

[SmokeyBob]

One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town loved to play jokes on visitors.

After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. "A cup of milk please." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing.

Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody," I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!"

The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back.

Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do in Texas?"

The Cowboy replied," Well, I had to walk home."

[SmokeyBob]

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse.

After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.

After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “So what would you say is bothering you the most?”
Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”

[SmokeyBob]

A man is complaining to a friend: “I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. Then it was all gone!”

“What happened?” asks the friend.

“My wife found out!” replied the man.

[SmokeyBob]

A guy goes to a bar that’s on the tenth floor of a hotel, sits down and has a couple of drinks. He then stands up, announces loudly that he has supper powers.

Two men who are sitting at a window table watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed.

The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process.

The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that.

He replies “It’s simple, really. There’s an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems.” Then he proceeded to jump out the window again.

Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! — made a mess hitting all over the ground.

Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says “Superman, you sure are a mean drunk."

[SmokeyBob]

1. Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

2. My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor

4. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re going to pay.

You have my Word.

5. What’s green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?

A pool table.

[SmokeyBob]

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor.

When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get 
less-on-ya.”

I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.”

And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”

They’ll probably laugh later.

[SmokeyBob]

"I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust" - Tim Vine

"Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief" - Mark Watson

"I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me" - Ria Lina

"Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal" - Paul F Taylor

[DezPrado]

"They’ll probably laugh later."
And they will. And probably pass it down to the next generation as well. My Grandmothers favorite was asking " What's a Bison?"
"It's something to wash your fice in!"

[SmokeyBob]

Two mothers were talking about their sons.

The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

[SmokeyBob]

A woman, her husband and their three rambunctious young sons were in their car waiting at a traffic light. The woman glanced over at the car next to them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter.

Looking at her husband, she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter."
The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks and said, "Here, have another cookie."

[SmokeyBob]

My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age 65?"

"Yes, I remember," I said.

"Well," my broker continued. "Your retirement age is now 108."

[SmokeyBob]

During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, a New York City woman mentioned that she was raising a type of cactus in a pot on her apartment balcony.

Another tourist asked her how she kept from watering it too much, because the cactus would die if over-watered.

"I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper," replied the New Yorker. "Every time I read that it rained in the desert, I give my plant some water."

[SmokeyBob]

One day I was reading a newspaper. On page two was a picture of a famous politician and his gorgeous wife.

Slightly jealous of the politician, I turned to my wife and said, "It's unfair that the biggest jerks in the world catch the most beautiful wives."

My wife smiled and replied, "Why, thank you dear."