Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Mrs. Smith pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the porch, where Mrs. Jones' lovely young daughter, Linda, sat. "It is really none of my business," whispered Mrs. Smith, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?"

"Why, no. Is she up to anything special?"

Mrs. Smith leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She has started knitting tiny garments!"

Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said smiling, "at last she has taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."

[SmokeyBob]

Hospital Chart Bloopers

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[SmokeyBob]

Jane was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.

Ben looked her over and calmly and said,"You don't scare me, I married your sister."

[SmokeyBob]

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[SmokeyBob]

One day, a gorilla escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing it.

At last, the gorilla was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library where they found it sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The gorilla was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible and the other was Darwin's "Origin of Species".

The zookeepers asked the gorilla what he was doing.

The gorilla replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

[SmokeyBob]

"I've just had the most awful time. First, I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics and to top it all off, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you ever manage to pull through?"

"I don't know. It was the toughest spelling test I ever had."

[SmokeyBob]

My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements and the director showed us into a room in which containers for ashes were on display.

After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had decided.

She sighed, "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go into the ground."

After a moment's pause, however, she continued, "But I really prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue!"

[SmokeyBob]

I am a sportswriter and photographer that covers mostly high school sports.

At one basketball game a kid sitting in the student section kept hollering at one particular official, “I got your cell phone.”

When there was a break in the game and the official happened to be on that end of the court, the official asked the student why he thought he had his cell phone.

The student replied. “Because it has 17 missed calls.”

[SmokeyBob]

Real Product Labels

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a blanket from Taiwan: Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

On a steering wheel lock: Warning--remove lock before driving.

On a flower pot: Houseplants are for ornamental use and should not be consumed.

On a bottle of milk: After opening, keep upright.

[SmokeyBob]

A grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

[SmokeyBob]

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying,"Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.

The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy so He sent me."

[SmokeyBob]

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So, I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.

"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"

[SmokeyBob]

I was out walking with my (then) 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked
her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

[SmokeyBob]

For my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer's home.

The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town, go down two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right and the number is on the mailbox."

As I entered the information into my computer, I asked, "What color is your house?"

The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check."

[SmokeyBob]

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!