Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

A well-respected doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening night of a musical. During intermission, a blonde shimmied by in a tight evening gown.

She smiled and purred, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.

After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."

Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or yours?"

[SmokeyBob]

I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced:

“Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work.”

An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:

“Resume all unnecessary work.”

[SmokeyBob]

Ever Wonder?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

[SmokeyBob]

Rules for Dogs

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing
in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed
in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs.
Charge across the room barking loudly and leap playfully on
this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts
crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So
bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you
protecting their house. Especially late at night while they
are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure
feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of
the night to the tune of your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish
immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean
tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive
daily to do your part to correct this situation. But rather
than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and
upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over
the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile
of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll blame the
gophers.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always
reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere.
It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner,
especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any
food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to
practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans,
so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new
couch once your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or
stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't
injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite
catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry: Eat a
shoe.

[SmokeyBob]

Old age is when you still have something on the ball
but you're just too tired to bounce it.

I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I
realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age
and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh,
have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's
a funny thing I just bought it for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be
called in case of an emergency. I think you should write,
'An ambulance.'

[Redneck Teepee]

Be careful around older people, they can think.


And old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??”

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer"!!!!

[SmokeyBob]

Question on a psychology test: "How would you diagnose a patient
who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one
minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

One student's answer: "Basketball coach?"

[SmokeyBob]

Max was worried. Sam, his loyal deli customer every day for thirty years, doesn't show up.

Max loves Sam, every day at the deli he gives him the best cuts, charges him the least, treats him like family.

So on the second day, his absence is again concerning. When he doesn't show up on the third day, Max is almost beside himself. The fourth day brings more agony with Sam's disappearance.

On the fifth day, Friday, pacing back forth, not knowing what to do, he glances across the street at his competitor's deli.

Through the window, he sees Sam at the deli counter right across the street.

Max tears off his apron, storms across the thoroughfare, and confronts Sam: "What are you doing? For thirty years you've been my customer; I've given you the best cuts for your meals, I've charged you next to nothing, I've treated you like my closest family! How could you show so little loyalty after all this time?"

"Relax," says Sam; "don’t worry. On Monday I had a root canal. The dentist said I should eat on the other side for a few days.”

[SmokeyBob]

And God Looked Down upon Seniors. . . .

Most seniors never get enough exercise. So, in his wisdom , God decreed that seniors would become forgetful that they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things misplaced and move around more. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was yet another need. So God in his wisdom made seniors lose coordination that they would drop things, which would require them to bend and reach and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the functioning of senior bladders and decided that in His wisdom there might be calls of nature more frequently, requiring more walking to the relief station, which would burn calories. God looked down and saw that it was good.

Seniors were obliged to exercise more from these senior shortcomings and did become more active as a result. So if you find you are required to get up and down more as you age, remember it's God's will and in your best interest, even though you mutter under your breath.


It still sucks. .

[SmokeyBob]

A husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting some of her friends and former schoolmates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and bored.The band cranks up, and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people...the works. Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me, and I turned him down."

Husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating !

[SmokeyBob]

An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm.

The attendant asked a businessman “Would you like a drink?

“Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having.

[SmokeyBob]

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area.

The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing the road.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.

She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross."

[SmokeyBob]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now."

[SmokeyBob]

A man stopped at a gas station and, after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the workers, "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the government," one of them said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow, "Normally there's three of us: me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

[SmokeyBob]

A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer's wife had prepared for them.

Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.

The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat.

After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too."

Again, the hired man didn't respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat.

Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

"What are you doing"? the farmer asked.

The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."