Humor of the Day

[Jiminsav]

One Question IQ Test

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before looking down for the answer...





















He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.




I've got mine shutting down right now...

OMG..thats just not right chris..not right at all

[Spadinator]

Airplanes vs Women

Airplanes like to do it inverted.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
Airplanes don't have parents.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.
It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane

[Chris C]

(You better be careful, Spadinator, this is "Be good to the ladies week!")

[Spadinator]

I paid my dues this year already....

[Jiminsav]

Why Boats Are Better Than Women

Both are expensive and high maintenance, but you get to ride your boat more.

You can steer a boat.

If your boat isn't running, you can choke it a few times and it'll crank up and run right.

You can swap your old boat out for a new one and still keep your house and car. Plus, older boats don't trash you every time they see you with your new boat.

You don't mind if your buddies see you being dragged behind your boat.

When you get on them, boats don't gripe about how you've gained weight.

Boats don't mind when you ride other boats.

A boat's bottom is always the same size as the first time you boarded it.

When boats retain water you can pull the plug and drain them.

When you have no use for a boat, you can put it in storage until you're ready to play with it again.

[Jiminsav]

Why a Handgun is Better Than a Woman

You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

You can trade a .44 for two .22's.

You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.

Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

Handguns function normally every day of the month.

A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"

A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.

You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

[Jiminsav]

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
A companion to our Top Ten List from last year...

You ever used the phrase, "May the Force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had an land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You think Han Solo should wear a flannel shirt, 'cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You've ever referred to the Empire as "them damn Yankees."

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle"

[Jiminsav]

Top Ten Signs You're At A Redneck Wedding


10. Rehearsal Dinner Held At Hooters

9. Instead Of "Friends Of The Bride Or Friends Of The Groom?" Ushers Ask "Ford Or Chevy?"

8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops
Bridegrooms: Travis Tritt T-Shirts

7. Phrase "I Do" Replaced By "I Heard That"

6. Tender Rendition Of "The Wedding Song" Performed By Pinkard & Bowden

5. When Minister Asks Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married...Some Guy In The Back Stands Up And Hollers "Earnhardt!"

4. Reception Conversation Includes The Phrase "So What Have You Been Doing Since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"

3. Snack Trays At Reception: Vienna Sausages And Nacho Cheese Doritos

2. Plans For The Honeymoon Evening Include Tickets To The Monster Truck Show

...And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding...

Sign In Front Of The Church: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!

[Jiminsav]

Top Ten Signs You're A Redneck Jedi

10. You've Ever Smashed Up Your Landspeeder While Trying To Light A Cigarette

9. You've Ever Used A Lightsaber To Open A Beer Bottle

8. You've Gotten A Ticket Because Your Wookie Runs Loose And Chases Cars

7. You've Actually Gone Home With Somebody You Met At The Cantina Bar

6. Sand People Back Down From Your Mama

5. You Can't Figure Out Why Luke And Leia Gave Up On Getting Married

4. You've Brought Down An Imperial Tie Fighter With A Potato Cannon

3. The Last Time You Used The Force Was So You Wouldn't Have Get Out Of Bed To Jiggle The Handle On The Toilet

2. Your Tractor Beam Generator Was Manufactured By John Deere

And The Number One Sign You're A Redneck Jedi...

Your Artoo Unit Runs On Propane.

[Rob]

I don't write them, just forward them. This was on day time TV. I hate to admit it, but there were one or two that took me a moment to understand.

IF you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep Are you probably a man or a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

[PaulC]

Blonde GUY Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If
I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blond's wife
said,


"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[Gaston]

a contractor hires a couple of labors to do some work in his building and one of them is "born again" (and more than a little high) any way it seems every time the contractor walks by the "born again" is wandering, around not working, and chanting "I am the light, I am the light. well the contractor has had enough of this crap and told the guy he didn't hire him to chant but to work so he was fired! as soom as he left the other laborer packed up his tools and started to leave also. The contractor ask him where he was going "hey man, I'm out a here, I ain't working in the dark"

[Nitetimes]

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent,"
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School ! of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University Michigan and graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[Rob]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

[Rob]

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the! olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and ! lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.