Humor of the Day

[cracker39]

There is a problem accessing pages 24 and 25. If this has already been posted, sorry for the duplicaton...


George Carlin's new rules for 2006
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket? water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his a** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place

[Kevin A]

I could not believe that I could actually read this!



Try to read this. I'm sure you can....very interesting.


fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 out of 100 plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it d seno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltt eres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

[kajamelu4]

There are 2 potatos on the street corner. One of them is a prostitute. How can you tell which one it is?
















It's the one with the tattoo that says "Idaho".

[cracker39]

Having a rough day?

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it really works.



1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,".

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See, you're smiling already.

[halfdome, Danny]

Do you suffer from AAADD?



Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the driveway is flooded the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

[TomS]

[Chris C]

DANNY!!!!!! You been looking over my shoulder????????? What, ya got a web-cam in my home????????? Tain't fair, I tell ya, Jus tain't fair!!!!!

[Dean in Eureka, CA]

Chris,
You're slipping...
Yesterday you were right at 429 posts per day, now you're down to 369.43 posts per day.

[Chris C]

Dean, I've been "slipping" for a lot of years. Didn't happen just today.

[Miriam C.]

Hummmm. I did wonder if there was a name for it.
Seems to be going around.
Miriam

[Ira]

A young couple recently wed, and they're moving into their first home. The moving men are carrying a large trunk, and the bride instructs them to bring it straight up to the attic.

"What's that?" hubby asks.

To which she responds, "My dear, we are starting out on a new, wonderful life together. I ask you to please respect my privacy about this, and that you not ever look in this trunk or ask me about it."

Not wanting to start an argument, he drops the matter.

Ten years later, they celebrate their wedding anniversary, and over a romantic dinner, once again he asks, "My love, for 10 years this has been bothering me. Please tell me--what's in the trunk?"

Again, she reiterates, "Darling, we've had ten wonderful years together so far, and two lovely children. Let our bliss continue FOREVER, and please, again, do not ask me about this very private matter."

Intoxicated with his love, once again, he doesn't press the issue.

15 years later, now married 25 years, he MUST ask again, to which she responds, "No, dear! I just can't tell you! 25 years of glorious marriage, our kids who've graduated college, 2 grandchildren--WE ARE HAPPY! PLEASE DON'T ASK ME ABOUT THE TRUNK!"

The years pass, and they now celebrate a remarkable 50 years together as husband and wife. Surely, he reasons, after 50 years, she MUST tell me about that trunk!"

"Honey, it's been 50 years. I have loved you every moment of it. But I do not have long to live, and it is my deepest desire to learn about the trunk."

This time, she is touched by his plea, and lovingly takes his hand, leads him up the stairs to the attic, and opens the trunk.

And he is shocked to see thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars-- and two ears of corn sitting on top of the fortune. He is confused:

"Darling, what is this about?" She responds, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I threw an ear of corn in the trunk to remind me of my bad infidelity. Of my terrible sin."

He thinks, well, I've been married 50 years, so cheating on me twice in all that time isn't THAT bad. But he asks, "Okay, I understand. But what about all of this money?"

To which she replies, "Well, every time the trunk got full, I sold the corn."

[MeelisV]

http://dojo.fi/~rancid/loituma__.swf

speakers needed,

[cracker39]

I have speakers on, but that doesn't help me understand what I'm hearing...or seeing.

[Nitetimes]

http://dojo.fi/~rancid/loituma__.swf

speakers needed,

No kidding!!! That just torments the brain!

[Spadinator]