Humor of the Day

[Nitetimes]

I don't think cartoons have anything to do with animist

[cracker39]

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

Go Figure....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Miriam C.]

Honey,
I want the bed across the front. I'm only 6' tall. Have you seen the way I sleep. No one sleeps stretched out. Besides I'm old and getting shorter every day. By the time you get this finished I'll only be 5'8".

Mike C.

[kirtsjc]

Thanks....
Yep, that's an old bed frame, which is working for now, however I don't think those little wheels will stand up to doing 70 mph down rt. 80, huh?

Your sense of humor will get you real far and fast here in T&TTT! Love the idea of using a bed frame at that stage of assembly!

....beer will only get you so far, so fast!

Maybe it is time to drag out that bottle of Ole' Panther?????

[PaulC]

THE WAY CHILDREN SEE THINGS

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year- old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..

and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[mikeschn]

[TomS]

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

[Sonetpro]

How a idiot has fun with fireworks.
http://www.asianjoke.com/videos/asian_firecracker.htm

[halfdome, Danny]

How a idiot has fun with fireworks.
http://www.asianjoke.com/videos/asian_firecracker.htm

That Idiot needs to be under lock & key for his own good.

[rubyede]

Did you hear about the young newly weds who did not know the difference between vasoline and putty?

No!! What happened to them?


Their windows fell out!!!!

[Nitetimes]

What's a friendship worth...

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says, "My feet are cold mate . Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please." The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.

"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

[PaulC]

Computer Tech Support



This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one!

=================================



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...





===============


Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


===============


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


===============


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


===============


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


============== =


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


===============


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


===============


Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


== =============


Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


===============


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


===============


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


===============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[Miriam C.]

I needed that!

[Kevin A]

Here's one for Chris C.
http://www.poqbum.com/LlamaSong/

[Rob]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and not too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT
Your computer?
COSTELLO
I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT
Mac?
COSTELLO
I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT
What about Windows?
COSTELLO
Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT
Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO
I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT
Wallpaper.
COSTELLO
Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT
Software for Windows?
COSTELLO
No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track
expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT
Office.
COSTELLO
Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT
I just did.
COSTELLO
You just did what?
ABBOTT
Recommend something.
COSTELLO
You recommended something?
ABBOTT
Yes.
COSTELLO
For my office?
ABBOTT
Yes.
COSTELLO
OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT
Office.
COSTELLO
Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT
I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO
I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my
computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT
Word.
COSTELLO
What word?
ABBOTT
Word in Office.
COSTELLO
The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT
The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO
Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT
The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO
I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight
answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my
money with?
ABBOTT
Money.
COSTELLO
That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT
Money.
COSTELLO
I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT
It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO
What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT
Money.
COSTELLO
Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT
Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO
I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT
One copy.
COSTELLO
Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT
Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO
They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT
Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT
Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO
How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT
Click on "START".............