Humor of the Day

[swissarmygirl]

I know I am going to catch holy heck from some of you for this one...but I'm gonna do it anyways

Thinking


It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties -- just
to loosen up.

One thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social
thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was
thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off
the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at
her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix,
but I couldn't stop.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and
Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it
exactly we are doing here ?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, " I like you, and it hurts me
to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't
stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey,I've been
thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But, Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said. "You think as much as college professors,
and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we
won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in
tears, but I was in no mood to deal with emotional drama. "I'm going to the
library," I snarled, and stomped out the door.

I headed for the library for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking
lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big doors. They didn't open.
The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that
night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a
poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers
Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering
thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational
video; last week it was "Porky's."

Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last
meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today I made
the final step.

I registered to vote Republican.

[Gage]

Yep, you weren't thinking. The meetings must be working.

Have a good day.

[Steve_Cox]

SwissArmyGirl,

Bet you don't listen to Rush Limp-baugh either.

[halfdome, Danny]

How about a little cheeze with that whine.

[PaulC]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when..

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14 You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

[asianflava]

Stole this from a friend's website:

An old lady was very upset as her husband had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest William was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit. The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with William before the funeral the following day. When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as William was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit." William's wife smiled at the undertaker. "After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."

[PaulC]

In honour of Stupid People .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
==========================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." =======================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
==========================
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
=======================
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
====================================
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
===========================
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
========================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
==============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
==========================
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
==============================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
===========================
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

[bledsoe3]

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

[halfdome, Danny]

This may drive you crazy. Danny

http://www.learnenglish.org.uk/games/magic-gopher-central.swf

[Tear Fan]

How do it do dat?

[oklahomajewel]

This may drive you crazy. Danny

http://www.learnenglish.org.uk/games/magic-gopher-central.swf

Kewl.... but I finally figured out how that works! Kinda like the card game ....

julie

[Chris C]

Genie was never correct for me because I don't use my pointer to look! That's what eyes are made for.

[cracker39]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and smell
the scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is
filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been unwilling to go down the paper products aisle.

[Micro469]

I'm a party pooper. The answer is always devisable by nine... the symbols change with every game. Every answer devisable by nine has the same symbol>>...

[halfdome, Danny]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called emoticons, such as means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"

Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a squashed ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_ E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb ass

(_#_) Pound his ass

(_=_) A total ass