Humor of the Day

[David Grason]

THAT'S GREAT!!

My kind of humor.

[Micro469]

Danny..

(_E=mc2_)

[asianflava]

Stole this from another forum, they had it in their Newbies section

http://gprime.net/flash.php/postingandyou

[BILLYL]

Now - that should be required viewing. And there should be a test afterwards.

Thanks

Bill

[Nitetimes]

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[swissarmygirl]

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

[cracker39]

Doncha just love competition? BTW...Who won?

[PaulC]

Doncha just love competition? BTW...Who won?

Dale, That's exactly what I thought
Cheers
Paul

[swissarmygirl]

Doncha just love competition? BTW...Who won?

Not looking to compete....just looking for a little balance.

So, while we're at it:

Three guys in a bar, comparing wifes.

The first one, from Texas, said: "I done tol' her that if 'in the house wasn't spick and span, I'd have to whup her. Well, the first day, nothin' . The second day I didn't see nothin' . But the third day I seen a beautiful an' clean house. Jus' like I wanted it. All spick and span."

The second one, from California, said that he's told his wife that he needed the house to be more orderly and that he would have to change wives if it didn't happen and soon!. "Well, the first day I didn't see anything, The second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day everything was perfect. All the shelves neat, the fridge all neatly stocked. Truly a perfect house.

The third guy, from New Jersey said: " Hell, I told my old lady that I needed a gourmet meal on the table at 7 p.m. every night. And I needed good sex when I wanted it! No more "Headaches!" And I told her I would go out with my buddies when I felt like it.!
Well the first day I didn't see anything. the second day I didn't see anything. But on the third day....I could see a little out of my left eye!

[Miriam C.]

Uh Huh!

Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.

Sooooo- Who wants to be equal? Gotta tv in every room and getting more tools every day. Hump.
Aunti M

[Jiminsav]

Why Boats Are Better Than Women

Both are expensive and high maintenance, but you get to ride your boat more.

You can steer a boat.

If your boat isn't running, you can choke it a few times and it'll crank up and run right.

You can swap your old boat out for a new one and still keep your house and car. Plus, older boats don't trash you every time they see you with your new boat.

You don't mind if your buddies see you being dragged behind your boat.

When you get on them, boats don't gripe about how you've gained weight.

Boats don't mind when you ride other boats.

A boat's bottom is always the same size as the first time you boarded it.

When boats retain water you can pull the plug and drain them.

When you have no use for a boat, you can put it in storage until you're ready to play with it again.

[Jiminsav]

Top Ten Signs You Have A Perfect Wife

10. If You Run Out Of Skoal...She'll Let You Have Hers.

9. She Knows Dick Trickle Is Not A Disease.

8. Agrees To Let The Four Horsemen Be Your Pallbearers

7. Thinks A Seven Course Meal Is A Six Pack And A Plate Of Nachos

6. She Always Has Gas In Her Car

5. Believes Any Rumor You Tell Her About Jeff Gordon

4. Never Fights About Sex And Money Because...Unlike The Neighbors...She Doesn't Charge You.

3. Thinks A Romatic Evening At Home Includes You And A Bunch Of Your Drunk Buddies Watching "Halloween Havoc"

2. Never Hollers Out John Boy's Name When Making Love

And the Number One Sign You've Got A Perfect Wife...

Tattoo On Her Arm: "Bischoff Sucks."

[Jiminsav]

Top Ten Signs You're A Redneck Jedi

10. You've Ever Smashed Up Your Landspeeder While Trying To Light A Cigarette

9. You've Ever Used A Lightsaber To Open A Beer Bottle

8. You've Gotten A Ticket Because Your Wookie Runs Loose And Chases Cars

7. You've Actually Gone Home With Somebody You Met At The Cantina Bar

6. Sand People Back Down From Your Mama

5. You Can't Figure Out Why Luke And Leia Gave Up On Getting Married

4. You've Brought Down An Imperial Tie Fighter With A Potato Cannon

3. The Last Time You Used The Force Was So You Wouldn't Have Get Out Of Bed To Jiggle The Handle On The Toilet

2. Your Tractor Beam Generator Was Manufactured By John Deere

And The Number One Sign You're A Redneck Jedi...

Your Artoo Unit Runs On Propane.

[Jiminsav]

YOUR STARSHIP CAPTAIN JUST MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF....
* Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
* He paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
* You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
* He refers to Klingons as "critters"
* He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
* He has a sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
* He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
* He says "got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing
frequencies"
* He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
* He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
* He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
* He says "Yee-HA!" instead of "Engage"
* He has a hand tooled holster for his phaser
* He insists on calling his executive officer "bubba"
* He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
* He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs and turnip greens
* He paints the starship John Deere Green
* He refers to a Pulsar as a "blue light special"
* He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
* His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
* He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
* His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
* He wears mirrored shades on the bridge
* His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans
and weenies
* He sets his phaser to "Cajun"

[Boodro]

What do ya tell a woman with two black eyes???

Nothin , you all ready told her twice!