Humor of the Day

[rbeemer]

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

[Kevin A]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
Little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....
But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
Anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
She said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
Bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
To sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
There was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
For the garbage?" . The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
First name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"

Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it.........this is the good old days
When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........ Just clean and simple fun

[halfdome, Danny]

I love English Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8] A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10] I did not object to the object.

11] The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18] Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language

[Kevin A]

"Livestock in the early day were a constant source of trouble between
the railroads and the farmers. Stock would be killed and it was, of
course, always the fault of the railroads. In one case a farmer had a
hog killed by a train and since he believed himself to have some ability as a poet, wrote the railroad claim agent as follows:

My razorback strolled down your track,
A week ago today.
Your #29 came down the line,
And snuffed his life away.
You can't blame me; the hog you see,
Slipped through a cattle gate;
So kindly pen a check for ten,
The debt to liquidate.

He was surprised a few days later to receive the following:

Old #29 came down the line,
And killed your hog, we know;
But razorbacks on railroad tracks,
Quite often meet with woe.
Therefore, my friend, we cannot send,
The check for which you pine,
Just plant the dead; place o'er his head;
'Here lies a foolish swine.' "

[Miriam C.]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines; one line for the
men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to
St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of
the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the
line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one
man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be
the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from
him."

God turn ed to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in
this line?"

The man replied," My wife told me to stand here."

A good man is hard to find.

[Nitetimes]

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.


NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.


SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.


THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.



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THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!.

[Nitetimes]

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so
many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth.

She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican
which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on
his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich & the
addition of more government welfare programs. Based on the lectures
that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor
she felt that for years her father had obviously harbored an evil,
even selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be
the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school.

She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know
that it was tough to maintain. That she studied all the time, never
had time to go out and party like other people she knew.
She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many
college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she
was taking a more difficult curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your good friend Mary
doing?"

She replied, "Mary is barely getting by." She continued, "She barely
has
a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she never
studies. "But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a
blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't
even show up for classes because she is too hung over."
Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's
office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to
your
friend who only has a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both
have a
3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of
GPA.

The daughter visibly shocked by her father's suggestion angrily fired
back, that wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did
without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked
real hard!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said, "Welcome to the Republican
Party"

[Joseph]

A good man is hard to find.

I don't think I need to quote Mae West here...

Joseph

[rbeemer]

Why Women live longer

and now we know

#7 ("Jackstands? Hah! Who needs 'em?")



#6 Necessity is the mother of invention


#5 And to think... those wimps at the power company use straps and cleats to get up this high!

#4 I'm sure this guy still wonders why he got fired that day.


#3 "Gee, guys... that seems like an awful lot of protective gear for such a
small chlorine gas leak..."


#2 Step 1: Remove shoes. Step 2: Place metal ladder in water. Step 3: Begin using power tools while standing barefoot on metal ladder in water.


And the winner is....How drunk do you have to be before this starts looking like a good idea?

[asianflava]

There is a video of this but I can't find it.... Amazing, (both skill and guts) the guy drives a backhoe into a railcar.

[halfdome, Danny]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."



In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics

(and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the

road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh! would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out! and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car

was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[s4son]

An old prospector walked his tired old mule into this western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon.
He had a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand, he looked at the old man and laughed.
Then he said "Hey old man have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at him and said "No I never did dance, I just never did want to".
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said "Well you old fool you're gonna dance now".
And he started shooting at the old man's feet. The old man was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
He fired his last bullet then holstered his gun and he turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule got his shotgun and pulled the hammers back making a loud clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard this then everything got quiet.
He turned around and was looking at both barrels aimed at him.
The old man asked him "Did you ever kiss a mule right on the a$$?"
The gunslinger swallowed and said "No, but I've always wanted to."

[bg]

There is a video of this but I can't find it.... Amazing, (both skill and guts) the guy drives a backhoe into a railcar.

I don't remember the link, but it was actually designed to do that.

[Podunkfla]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia
and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a
transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other
two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence
in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is
currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of
neglecting his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who
lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a
brothel.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her
into the family and, of course, I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Bush?

Signed,
Worried about my Reputation

[Podunkfla]

I don't know if 'ol Bill really said this... but, good advise...

Advice from Bill Gates

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.


Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.