Humor of the Day

[Juneaudave]

I would pee in my pants....man...to be a kid again!!!!

[Miriam C.]

I would pee in my pants....man...to be a kid again!!!!

Shoot that would make you quit peeing your pants. Aint no way, No how on no day...

[Podunkfla]

Reminds me of watching a guy bungie jump off a high bridge in NZ... He puked most of the way down... and ran into it going back up... and kinda lost control of other bodily functions too. He was a mess when the hauled him in.

[Nitetimes]

20 years ago, yeah baby!!!! Now, yeah right!!!

[rbeemer]

Ain't it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"



Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together

You get glue?..
and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?


Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?

You know darned well where it went!


That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).

We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling.

[The Teardrop Nanny]

A gorgeous blonde walks in to an Atlantic City casino and tells the guys manning the table there that she wants to roll the dice and try to make her number come up. She also tells them she's from the South and has just inherited $!0,000 and wants to know if she can bet it and play the game. The two guys at the table smile to each other and tell her sure she can bet it all if she wants. That makes the bubbly blonde really happy so she asks if she can have a turn.

When they give her the dice she tells them she hasn't played very much, but each time she's played she's always won. And each time she won it was because she was from the South and the guys at the tables there always told her she had to play with her clothes off. So the blonde asks if the guys at this casino mind if she plays the same way. The two guys look at each other, and back at the knock out of a blonde, and nod OKAY to each other. They tell the blonde they don't mind if she plays naked one little bit at all. This makes the blonde really excited and she jumps up and down and then begins stripping off her clothes. After she's totally undressed the guys are absolutely floored by the amazing body she has.

She takes the dice, calls her number, and throws them down the table. A few seconds later she is jumping up and down, clapping and shouting
"I won! I won!" She leans over and gathers up her winning chips, her clothes, and gushes a grateful thanks to the guys at the table. The two guys watch in stunned silence as she exits. As she goes out the front door the one guy asks his partner what she rolled. He looks back at him and says, "I have no idea. I thought you checked the numbers on the dice!"



And the moral of the story is.....not all blondes from the South are dumb.

TDN

[Nitetimes]

Arkansas Razorbacks



Last Tuesday as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says:
"nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says:
"Excellent trade, sir."

[The Teardrop Nanny]

A farmer was interested in breeding his prize male pigs with some quality females. His neighbor down the road had a batch of beauties that were ready for breeding so being a friendly neighbor he offered to have the farmer bring his pigs down to his place so the animals could hook up.
Early Monday morning the farmer loaded his pigs up in the back of his old pick up truck and drove down the road a couple of miles. There he let his male pigs out where they stayed for the day. He did this daily for two weeks and every day he picked up his pigs and returned to his home each evening with the exhausted pigs in the back of his truck.

When Sunday came the farmer was awakened before the crack of dawn by a horn honking repeatedly. His wife came in to the bedroom with a cup of coffee to give him. When he asked what in the world was going on, his wife replied, "I'm not really sure, but I think you should come take a look. All the pigs are loaded up in the back of your truck and two of them are in the cab bouncing up and down on the seat and honking the horn!"

TDN

[halfdome, Danny]

Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws



1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[halfdome, Danny]

January 2009



HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT




Hillary Clinton

Was sworn in today as President

She has disposed of Bill and is spending her
first night alone in the White House.

She has waited several years for this.



FIRST NIGHT

Suddenly!

The ghost of George Washington appears to her,

and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"




Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."



SECOND NIGHT

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says,





"Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."



THIRD NIGHT

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"




Lincoln says,
"Go to the theater."

[bledsoe3]

Good one Danny.

[Nitetimes]

This is a tough one !


This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.



Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane, with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.



You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.



You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.



Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!



At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under. . . forever.



You have two options--you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.



So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:



Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[halfdome, Danny]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says






"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[sledge]

heres one........ (The Senility Prayer) Grant me the Senility to forget the people i never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the Eyesight to tell the Difference.

[halfdome, Danny]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."


****** ********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



********************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."



*****
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay.



*****
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"



The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."



********
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
********************Danny******************************