Humor of the Day

[alaska teardrop]

An archeological team, digging in Washington DC , has uncovered
10,000- year old bones and fossil remains of what is believed to be the first Politician.

Hi Brick,

Ya know, Your living way down over there in Florida, I can understand your not recognizing the Senates' oldest living member.

The gentleman in the photograph is most definately every Alaskans' very own Uncle Ted Stevens.

Fred

:peace:

[halfdome, Danny]

One Liners

Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.

You Need Degas to Make De Van Gogh

Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.

Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

Streakers *repant* your end is in sight.

A backward poet writes inverse.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainers to be educational.

I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the Hell happened!

My Dad was a workaholic. Every time someone mentioned work, he got drunk.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world...I'll probably leave a stain.

College is like a woman... You work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

A sign in a sperm bank reads, "Men, please take your hat and jacket off."

I was dating a Siamese twin for awhile, but as she got older I started dating her sister behind her back.

Before the new spaghetti factory could open, it had to pasta inspection.

Did you hear about the unruly circus driver? He refused to tow the lion.

Upon removing his boots at Waterloo, Napoleon could smell defeat.

Line from an old Western: Get off the cook stove, grandpa, you're too old to ride the range.

Biology is the only science where multiplication means the same thing as division.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 70th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is more invited than a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

The good news is Dear Abby and Dr. Laura have both approved sex for old people. The bad news is they expect us to have sex with other old people.

The golden years are really metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair and most of all, lead in the pants.

I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

"Crime of passion" is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion.

If you change your mind after a sex-change, are you dismissed?

Nude bathing is absolutely forbidden on Coney Island. No ifs, ands or butts.

Those who build roofs are so inclined.

Where does the dentist get his gas? At the filling station.

Sign on fence: As far as I'm concerned, you may cross this field for free, but the bull charges.

Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.

He tried to get her to marry him to no a-veil.

Thieves who steal broccoli from a garden could be charged with stalking.

When I went to the dentist for some root canal work, I lost my nerve.

Said the potato: "I think therefore I yam."

I can't believe it happened. The other day I jogged backward and put on eight pounds!

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

I wish to you your life to be like toilet paper. Long and useful.

I hear that exercise kills germs. But how do you get the little buggers to exercise?

A bath is something you take when you find yourself in hot water.

Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid off, and the following generation buys again.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Airline pilots make many friends in high places.

Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.

A fight over love and money would be duel purpose.

Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

A night watchman is a man who earns his living without doing a day's work.

[halfdome, Danny]

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it"IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".
7. Finish all your sentences with"in accordance with the prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat -with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Its called therapy

[Jiminsav]

this here is pretty funny.
trunk monkey

[Joseph]

this here is pretty funny.
trunk monkey

I can't get youtube at work so I have no idea which one this is, but you can see all of the Trunk Monkey videos here.

My favorite is #4, "Thrown Off a Bridge."

This is what happens when you have too much time on your hands AND a monkey...

Joseph

[Bob Olszewski]

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"





From across the room came a voice, "He delivered pizza for Domino's."

[Nytewyng]

Somebody asked me "how long you been married?"
My reply " so long that I dont even look both ways when I cross the street"

[halfdome, Danny]

This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT.

[Podunkfla]

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.


She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note:


"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM."


Signed, "The Blonde"


She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.


The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.


Inside the bag with the cash was the following note:


"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

[Podunkfla]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Podunkfla]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW... I feel much better. Anger management really does work!

[Miriam C.]

SHOULD CHILDREN WITNESS CHILDBIRTH?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic was able to respond to a call
with an extremely pregnant lady.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom and Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place ......smack his ass again!"
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you..

[Dixie Flyer]

Church Squirrels--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were five country churches in a small Georgia town:

The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels .

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[Jiminsav]

[halfdome, Danny]

Walter the Dummy