Humor of the Day

[Podunkfla]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duW21TrOGKs

Let the good times roll...
Now that's a good one... Love the music!

[halfdome, Danny]

Italian anniversary



At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for our 20th-a anniversary!


The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."

[rbeemer]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he
would tell me to take a few days off.
[ shades of Klinger on M.A.S.H.]

So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny
noises. My coworker (who's blonde)
asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
would think I was "overly-stressed" and in need of a
few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
asked "What are you doing?" I said
"I'm a lightbulb" He said "You are clearly stressed
out. Go home and recuperate for a couple
of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office,
elated.
When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss
said to her, "And where do you
think you're going?"

(You're gonna love this..... )













She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the
dark!"

[Podunkfla]

A stunning senior moment...

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing... and," pausing to take another drink of beer...

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little smart alec, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding... I love senior citizens!!!

[halfdome, Danny]

Ear Infection

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,
and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong
and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who
insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full
of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the
way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room
and approached the desk.... the receptionist said, "Yes sir,
what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,"
he said.

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have
said there is something wrong with your ear or something and
discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in
a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then
re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing
he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear,

Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors
and you're going lose!

[Podunkfla]

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

(the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws, and
while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several
people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with
her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she
looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that
she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an
hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were
locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her
head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise
that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of
her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried
to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

[halfdome, Danny]

I remember that one Comcast has a strange news section . Some dizzy blonds in San Diego.

[Podunkfla]

REDNECK HAVEN?


A North Carolina redneck passed away and
left his entire estate in trust for his
beloved widow. However, she can't touch
it until she turns 14.


Folks in Georgia now go to some movies
in groups of 18 or more. They were told
17 and under are not admitted.


The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has
been raised to 32. It seems they want to
keep alcohol out of the high schools.


In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are
called documentaries.


How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is
married?
There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of
his pickup truck.


Tennessee has a new $3,000,000
State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for
a million years.


Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little
Rock burned down. In fact, it took out the
whole trailer park.


The best thing to ever come out of
Arkansas is Interstate 40.


(And my very favorite....)

A South Carolina State Trooper stopped
a pickup truck. He asked the driver,
"Got any ID?" The driver said,
"Bout what?"


Note: Being a backwood N. Florida cracker
I am fully qualified to relay these jokes
without prejudice...

[Podunkfla]

OK... this one is kinda risque' ... but funny:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

[Paw_Paw_Drew]

PoDunk this is to go with redneck sayings 2 post ago.

For a long time it was speculated as to where the tooth brush originated. Finally after years of research it has been confirmed that the tooth brush came from Univ. Of Tn. This was further confirmed by it's name. Anywhere else and it would have been known as a teeth brush.

This isn't the way I heard it but I'm a Bama fan.

[Bob Olszewski]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, " I am the Lord and I can do anything, but your request is materialistic,

think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;

the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,

why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

It was quiet for a very long time and then the Lord replied, " Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?

[Podunkfla]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the
world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the
world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says

"Who the hell is Rosie O?Donnell??

[Joseph]

"Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell??

[bg]

[PaulC]

Difference Between Women And Men


1. NAMES


If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that ... is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY ...

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws.