Humor of the Day

[Ira]

"Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell??

THE BEST!!!

[Joseph]

"Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell??

THE BEST!!!

If you mean Rosie's the best, I'm afraid I must side with my favorite liberal lesbian, Camille Paglia. Obviously I don't agree with all she has to say, but she's dead on the mark when it comes to O'Donnell.

On the pop front, I greeted with relief the news that Rosie O'Donnell will be leaving ABC's "The View." Joy Behar will get some oxygen at last. What a crass solipsist, clod and yahoo O'Donnell is -- and what a bad advertisement for both liberalism and lesbianism. I thoroughly enjoyed Donald Trump putting the shiv to her with his eye-opening insults of withering accuracy. The list of O'Donnell's faults overfloweth -- beginning with her stentorian humorlessness and her infantile rudeness to her cohosts and ending with her crackpot conspiracy theories and her constant flaunting of her banal regimen of antidepressants.

"...a bad advertisement for both liberalism and lesbianism." Now THAT is funny!

Joseph

[Ira]

Oh:

I just happen to think she looks like a beast. But I DO agree with most of her poiitics.

Gee--I think we have a failure to communicate here.

[Podunkfla]

Rosie: "...a bad advertisement for both liberalism and lesbianism."
Now that's hilarious... "Ol Donald sure nailed her!

[Joseph]

Now that's hilarious... "Ol Donald sure nailed her!

Um... that was Paglia, not The Donald. As for him nailing her, PLEASE let's not go there!!

Though I seldom agree with her, the times I've seen Paglia she impressed me as intelligent, articulate and funny - all the things that O'Donnell is not.


Joseph

[Podunkfla]

Now that's hilarious... "Ol Donald sure nailed her!

Um... that was Paglia, not The Donald. As for him nailing her, PLEASE let's not go there!!

Though I seldom agree with her, the times I've seen Paglia she impressed me as intelligent, articulate and funny - all the things that O'Donnell is not.
Joseph

Yeah... I kinda worded that misleading. I just meant the Donald took every potshot he could at her (an easy target?) and was always dead on and funny as he!! doing it.

I could never figure out why Rosie was even on television in the first place? He!!, there are waitresses at he local Waffle House with more wit, humor and political insight than she will ever have.

[Podunkfla]

THE OLD MOTOR

He's 80, she's 20.
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said: "You're amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said:
"Well, well, well! !! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running"

The nurse said:
"Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

[SmokeyBob]

[halfdome, Danny]

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to
him in Minnesota for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request.
The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while
he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady,
"Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta
leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

[Podunkfla]

A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He sure that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair ta me. Please exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his long nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Now, do y'all want me to stop... or do ya think it's OK if I just slow down?"

[Bob Olszewski]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? Who knew? !

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold
water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of Maine ----just outside Sanford.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's
grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John
noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his
grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"


His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about
the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that
looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are
clean ?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I
don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he
was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let
him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

[halfdome, Danny]

BLIND SALESMAN

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The Wal-Mart salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44.00? How did you get to $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Stink Bait is $3.50."

[madjack]

...a wise monkey, is a monkey, that doesn't monkey around with another monkeys, monkey.... .................

[bg]

One day a father gets off from work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the barbie in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, " Which one??? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers : "Sir...," Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends.

[halfdome, Danny]

Three Blondes



Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and
said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To
be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as
scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this
man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture! It's a profile of his face!

You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of
course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in
her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're
absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could
you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye
and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."