Humor of the Day

[Podunkfla]

WOULD YOU REMARRY???

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: ------- silence.

HUSBAND: "Oops!"

[PapaJ]

In a small town in Arkansas, with his dummy on his knee, the ventriloquist starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little sh! it on your knee."

[bledsoe3]

Good one Tom.

[War Eagle]

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank
to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to
save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she
said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are
being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis
by jumping in and saving the life of another that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

[rbeemer]

Just like here....

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is
one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood
the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the
meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising
slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written
for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight
variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a
Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week
went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

[tonyj]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The i-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have
always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening
to them.

[Joseph]

Which reminds me - why don't men look women in the eyes?





Breasts don't have eyes.

Joseph

[Joseph]

I just want to know one thing: if Paris Hilton found God in jail....






...what was HE in for?

Joseph

[Sam I am]

I think it was Dave Letterman who said that Paris Hilton was not a good bible scholar. She thought Deuteronomy was an operation to remove your deuter!

[bledsoe3]

I don't think I would want to live with out my deuter.

[Jiminsav]

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[tearbum67]

Found on the top of a box of Animal crackers: DO NOT EAT IF SEAL IS BROKEN.

[Lesbest]

If any of you have thought of our evolution out of the swamps to now................. I wonder what it was like to live when our eyes hadn't made it to our head yet.
The first place was on the end of our big toes....which explains why we went barefoot for so long, and dragged our knuckles-so we woundlt bump our forehead on low branches. Can you imagine just everyday things---stubbing your toe (black eye), no contacts for sure, and running in the surf would be toughie. Football, and soccer weren't thought of except as punishment. Taking a shower would gaurentee soap in your eyes, and riding a bike would certinly cause motion sickness, and puking in your eyes would suck. Driving a car would mean sitting upside down in the car. Going to the show might work out, except the sticky floor would get a film on your eyes and crap on your shoulders while you watched.
If you got athletes feet, would you go to a foot Dr. or an eye Dr.? Both one for the fungis, the other because the treatment burns your eyes. Upskirt views wound be fun--till she caught you and stomped on your eyes(ouch). Getting the fuzz out would be easier if you were pidgon toed and it would be easy to reach. Reading in the bathroom would be easy and if you weighed 400 lbs you could still see your little buddy. But shaving might be tougher. Baking a cake would mean using a drywall mud mixer with the bowl on the floor so you could check the batter (don't splash it in your eye!). Mopping the floor would be easy and you would never lose that screw you dropped while building the TD.

Just thinking.....

Les

[Podunkfla]

The first place was on the end of our big toes....
OK... I'll bite. Who came up with this theory? I thought the evolutionists claimed we crawled outa the primevil mud on fins... that evolved into legs? Like anyone really knows anyhoo... Somehow I'm more comfortable thinking my ancestors were little mudpuppies with eyes in their head than the picture you are painting???

[tonyj]

Driving a car would mean sitting upside down in the car.

Les

Not much different than all those drivers I see driving with their heads up their . . . !