Humor of the Day

[Kevin A]

Dangerous Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand.



This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you

receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via

any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life

completely.



If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take

two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote

known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or

Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote

repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

[halfdome, Danny]

DYING WORDS

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good.
Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last
bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to
look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.

At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's
wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just
before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure
there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."

Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"


Poor old Fred . . .

[Podunkfla]

And these little insights... From a girlfriend:

These are funny.....

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,"Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

~ Brick

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worthwhile!

[BILLYL]

Got this in a email today and LOL

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may

bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when

"Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are

now.


Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.




Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, how high should you be?


A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.




Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.




Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.




Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that


he is attractive, is it okay to come right out and ask him if he's married?


A. Rose Marie: No; wait until the morning.




Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?


A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.




Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.




Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get
Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.




Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.




Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?


A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.




Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first
year?


A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.




Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin
boy.



Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.




Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?


A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.




Q. Can boys join the Camp
Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.




Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him
bark?



Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.




Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into


the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.




Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde:
Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.



Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.




Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?


A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?



Q. When a couple have a
baby, who is responsible for its sex?


A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.




Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

[tonyj]

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during
a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the
trigger again. This time it worked.
************************************************************************

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance
company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to
have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The
chef's claim was approved.
************************************************************************

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.
************************************************************************

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare
to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He
then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients
were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days. Man, I like that one...
************************************************************************

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
************************************************************************

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It
only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The
mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a
good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a
boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The
mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't
you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am.
It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East,
and three wise men came. I'm not going to miss it this time.

[Podunkfla]

Coolest headstone I've seen!

[halfdome, Danny]

To the elderly people who might remember:

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and
invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold
replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop
or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says,
"Whaaaat?"

"Yes," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to
screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he
has revised the plans for the evening .

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the
front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small
wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back
into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!"

[Podunkfla]

All you ever wanted to know about Mullets... and then some.

Your average Florida mullet:


Alabama mullet:


http://www.mulletjunky.com/picfix1.htm

Of course, you could enter your Mullet and see how it rates?

http://www.ratemymullet.com/

[PaulC]

Sorry Brick, but my mullet left with the rest of it years ago

Cheers
Paul

[Podunkfla]

Sorry Brick, but my mullet left with the rest of it years ago

Cheers
Paul

Yep... me too.

[asianflava]

I think this was the first Mullet website. We've been looking at it (and laughing) for 8 years. Plus, it says 1999-2005 on the bottom.

http://www.mulletsgalore.com/

There is a band from the Orlando area called Bithlo Mullet Revival.

[Jiminsav]

I'm gonna whip his butt and take off with that woman...yeah, Baybee!!!

[Nitetimes]

Methinks she needs a bigger bikini!!! Or a few less HoHo's.

[Lesbest]

He's got a little dip and looks like he's looking for a place to spit!! Wow what a pair........unless the camera lens makes them appear to be close to each other. They must be close to each other, it's the same bra.
Les

[PapaJ]

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp each holding a sign.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico