Humor of the Day

[Podunkfla]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big biker,

known for making trouble, steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on, man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right.

I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.

At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life,
and then you show up and drink the darn poison!!!

[halfdome, Danny]

On Turning 65 years old


Will I live to be 80??

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician
for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
"fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I could not resist asking
him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a sh**?

[Lesbest]

Tom and Sue were over at Bob and Cindi's house playing poker on friday night like they always did. Tom dropped some cards on the floor and when he bent over to pick them up he noticed that Cindi didn't have panties on under her skirt. He was so suprised that when he came up from under the table he bumped his head on the bottom of it, and his face was flushed and red.
He excused himself and went to the kitchen to recover and get some water. While he was standing at the sink, Cindi came out to check on him and asked "Did you see something you liked?" Tom replied he did and Cindi said "For $500.00 you can have that" Cindi suggested that since you don't work on friday and Bob does why don't you come by next friday afternoon.
Friday afternoon comes around and so does Tom. He hands her the money, they go upstairs to the bedroom and finish the deal.
Bob gets home and asks Cindi his wife, "Hey did Tom come by today?" and Cindi almosts chokes, and wonders if he found out. She said "Yes he did." He asked, "Did he pay you $500.00?" Now she's in a cold sweat and says "Yes, why?"
Bob said "Oh no reason--he stopped by the office today and asked if he could borrow $500 bucks and would drop it by this afternoon."

Now THAT is playing poker.

Les

[Podunkfla]

Where to Live After Retirement:

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!



You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought



You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed note: if you have a car)

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

7. The 4 seasons are: Ice Storm, Blizzard, Hot & Muggy, and "I can't belive it's cooler in Miami?"



You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The 4 seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.



You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "Alla y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

6. The 4 seasons are: Winter, Summer, Oh My God!, and Still More Summer.


You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

5. The 4 seasons are: Snow, Blizzard, Ice Storm, and "Is it ever gonna rain again?"


You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

6. The 4 seasons are: Winter, Winter, Winter, and "How can it be 106 degrees in Boise?"


AND You can live in Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Insurance is now more than your house payment.

6. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

7. The 4 seasons are: Fall, Spring, and Hurricane! (It can top 100* degrees any time of year).

[tonyj]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for muder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started in on him about, "What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a double shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of the rear of her husband, bent over, naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight." she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER LET UP!"

[s4son]

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel.
As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."
Intrigued, the man said, "OK."
The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.
The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.
Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out, " Uh.....'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

[cguardsman]

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully
served the people of the nation's capital He motioned for his nurse
to come near.


"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.


"I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I
die" whispered the priest.


"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to
visit the priest.


As they went to the hospit al, Hillary commented to Kennedy, "I don't
know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help
our
images."


Kennedy couldn't help but agree. When they arrived at the priest's
room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in his right hand and Hillary's
hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old
priest's face.


Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could
have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the
end?"


The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."


"Amen" said Kennedy.


"Amen" said Hillary.


The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves....and
I would like to do the same.

[Podunkfla]

Some folks just naturally know how to dress to impress!

[Podunkfla]

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO...

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything.
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut: Small in size BIG in taxes
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, LeaveYour Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well, uh... Maybe Not. But, The Potatoes are Real Good
Illinois: Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos... But, It's a Good Tourism Hook
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's, And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come on Down... And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies & Honest Elections!
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A #$%#! Motto? I Got Yer #$%#! Motto Right here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have: The Right to Remain Silent, Right to an Attorney... And No Right To Self Defense
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: Yup, We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Just Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Ayup
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjawed Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come on up and Cut Cheese!
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Nervous
The District of Columbia: A Work-Free Drug Place!

(In the interest of fairness... I tried to offend everybody!)

[halfdome, Danny]

Thoughts from a nearly retired person

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible . and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[cguardsman]

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough old U.S. Marine Gunny were

all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists

told them that he would grant them each one last request before

they were beheaded .



Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last

bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling

who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said,

"Now I can die content."



Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take

out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's

about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know

that I was on the job till the end."



The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and

Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."



The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is

your final wish?"



"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.



"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"



"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.



The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9

mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the

resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4

carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis

were either dead or fleeing for their lives.



As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him,

"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask

them to kick you in the ass first?"



What," replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report

that I was the aggressor?

[halfdome, Danny]

Fresh Air Explosion

[Podunkfla]

Only a person in North Idaho could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Kinston , North Idaho after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.

To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"Naaa, I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Nitetimes]

Old but good"

I really want to try this some night. It is so simply simple that it would just have to work!!!

And it would be really amusing, for me at least. The cop may think otherwise, but what could he really do?

[Podunkfla]

but what could he really do?

...In my neck of the woods, lock you up for just for giggles for about 60 days
until your court date came up. And, I'm sure all the other Leos would
get a real kick out of it!