Your worst or funniest Christmas present/story

[Ira]

For 5 years, my wife hasn't taken the hint and bought me a turkey frier for a gift. I mean, they're really cheap, and I can pick one up myself already, but it's the principle of the thing, you know?

Last birthday, it was 5 pairs of jeans because I'm too damn lazy to shop for clothes, and a few other cool little things. But alas, and again, no turkey frier. My nephew from Venezuela gave me a pair of fantastic leather boots--two sizes too big. With my birthday and Christmas coming up again, I still want that turkey frier, but I also want a Sirrius satellite radio.

But something tells me I'm going to be getting socks and underwear. (I have some pairs that are older than a lot of you guys.)

Any funny stories about really bad gifts that you've gotten? But not to make it totally depressing, stories about really GREAT gifts?

[emiller]

Not really a X mas person though I like to put up Christmas lights, Mostly like my kids to have a great Christmas but for me just let me go camping.

[Chris C]

Thanks Ira, I have always gotten a kick out of this story and anxiously wait for the opportunity to share it with people every year.



CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE
Author: Jeff Foxworthy




As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose remain sadly empty.

On year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart, you know! I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve ever been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there for an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” and “Who would buy that?”

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, showed things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for “Lovable Louise”. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours before falling asleep.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog very confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll”.

“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.

“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny. Hang on!”

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, “Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?”

I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning, then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

[stjohn]

Chris thanks for brighting a cold monday mornig

[The Teardrop Nanny]

Dear Ira, I think this gift would be considered a GREAT one

Every year at Christmas I have taken Dean on a surprise trip somewhere. He never gets to know where cuz I pack the suitcase and make all the arrangements (and pay for it too!) I love to travel and when I take him we have a fun time exploring the place. I never tell him or anyone in the family where we are going. That way someone doesn't accidentally spill the beans. Dean was driven nuts with curiousity the first couple of years I did this, so this year I threw him a bone and gave him a little hint-(The Northern Hemisphere). I'm sure he has some ideas, but I'll bet he still hasn't figured it out. Stay tuned for the announcement of the IRG date on 1/3/06 and find out "Where Dean Went For Christmas."

TDN

[Guest]

Ohh... So it IS the Northern Hemisphere. (I was practically asleep when she told me that)
Yeap, I got it all figured out, Uh-Huh.
She's taking me up into Canada so I can meet my boat buildin' buddy Glen, then further North to see and hear the Northern Lights!
All I really know for sure, is that I am one lucky guy...

[Guy]

Hey Dino,

Mexico is in the Northern Hemishere, so maybe you going to visit your friend, Kai.

England is in the Northern Hemisphere so maybe your are visiting your friend Andrew.

Geez, I could go on and on since you have way too many friends.

You could be going to New Jersey because that is where your friend ME is

Merry Xmas, Dean and Joanie, wherever you are on Xmas.

[stjohn]

Dean
You know if you do guess were itis your going she'll just change her travel plans to keep you from being right or thats what my wife would do anyway

Mike

[Guest]

Guy & Mike,
With a clue like that, it's easier to figure out where we're not going...
Joanie prefers warm places as opposed to cold places and I'll tell yaa, it was pretty neat swimming in the ocean at Christmas time these past two years and it wasn't too hot for me at that time of year...
One other situation that's got me thinkin', is this year's trip is going to be a quick one.
Oh... Something else, She just got back from a trip to Palm Springs and she brought back a gift for me.... A really warm pull over, with real cool Native American Indian basket weave designs on it. I believe she had a slip of the tounge when she told me that I could wear it on our trip...

[Ira]

You should at least ask for a longitudinal range so you can eliminate Russia.

Hey, after that other thread, maybe it's INDIA!

(And Guy--no. I have no idea what hemisphere India's in. Remember that I went to school in Canarsie, where 75% of us believed that America was discovered by a guy named Ralph in 1865.)

[TomS]

We have a little tradition at our house. In the evening on Christmas day, after we've opened all our presents, filled our faces and visited our relatives, we open our Grinch gifts. Grinch gifts are the gifts you don't want. But, they do amuse everyone else.

My daughter always had difficulty getting up on time. So one year the Grinch we gave her an alarm clock. Not a nice clock radio. But an old style round one with two big bells on top.

We used to have this obnoxious cat. I hated the cat and the cat hated me. One time when my wife was away on business, this stupid feline pissed on my sandals and sh** on my ties. That year, the Grinch gave me a framed photo of that stupid cat.

This year, the Grinch has something in store for my wife Wendy, a "Wendy the Good Witch" a boggle head. I can't wait to see her face when she opens that one.

[s4son]

My nephew from Venezuela gave me a pair of fantastic leather boots--two sizes too big.

Ira,

I can't think of any funny stories right now but what size are those boots?

Scott F.

[Ira]

Ira,

I can't think of any funny stories right now but what size are those boots?

Scott F.

You know what, Scott? That's a good idea:

They've been sitting in their box in the closet for a year. Venezuela makes great leather products, including shoes, and my nephew is no cheapskate. (He's an accountant for Mobil oil down there. Used to work for Coca Cola and Earnst and Young.) Thing is, their sizes go metric, sizes in like the 20's, 30's, and I don't know how the conversion works with shoes.

Most of you know that I'm a pipsqueak (in stature only), and my shoe size is either a 6 or 6 1/2, and since this is like two sizes bigger, that makes it an 8 1/2.

When I get home I'll look at the exact metric size, see if anyone has any answers to this metric mystery here, and if that's your size, you got them...

Postage INCLUDED.

They're not the pointed cowboy style that I prefer, small square toe instead, but these are nicely made boots.

If they're not YOUR size, Scott, maybe I'll ask a mystery question to determine the winner.

[Guest]

I gotta a funny one...
One year right about Christmas time, my glass supplier made a mistake on a special mirror order for someone. It was a special order deal that had been canceled by the buyer, but the paperwork got botched.
This mirror was 10' long and 5' tall with 1 1/2" bevel around it.
The supplier offered it to me for $100, which was a total steal.
My family draws names, so everyone buys and recieves one gift... (The adults)
I called my brother-in-law and asked him if he had a wall suitable for this mirror. He thought for a moment and told me yes.
I told him if he agreed to build an oak frame for the mirror, I'd go ahead and get it for Sis... (We had a $25 limit on gifts)
He himmed and hawwed a bit, but when I told him what the real value of that mirror was, he jumped at the offer!
He had his next door neighbor, a cabinet maker, build the frame.
Because of the size of this thing and how my sister's entryway is laid out, I knew the only way to get this mirror into the house, was to remove the front living room window...
Well... Christmas that year just happened to be at my sister's house.
OK... After the kids had opened all their gifts and the adults had exchanged their gift with one another, I looked over at my sister, who was just sitting there being quiet and said... "Well Sis, are you ready for your gift now?"
I started removing the living room window, which really puzzled her... She didn't quite know what to make of that, because I have been known to pull a joke from time to time... (Almost got shot by the same brother-in-law one time, because of a stunt I pulled during a camping trip)
It took about four of us to pass the now framed mirror through the window opening...
As the mirror first started coming through the wall, my sister exclaimed, "A new mirror for my bathroom!!!" (My brother-in-law had just remodeled one of the bathrooms)
Her remark came at about the two feet mark...
Well, the mirror just kept coming and at about the four foot mark, she somewhat calmly said, "Oh my God..."
Well, the mirror just kept coming...
At about the six foot mark, she loudly exclaimed, "Oh my God!!!"
Well, the mirror just kept coming...
At about the eight foot mark, she was speechless!!!...
Well, the mirror just kept coming...
When the mirror was finally all the way inside the house, I said, "Merry Christmas Sis, here's your new bathroom mirror!"
She hopped up and ran into the bathroom, to see if what the heck was going on... (You could only get about a three foot wide mirror in that bathroom)

That mirror still graces the wall of their living room...
BTW- I've got another Christmas story about my Sis, but that one is a Christmas Miracle Story...

[s4son]

Ira,

I can't think of any funny stories right now but what size are those boots?

Scott F.

You know what, Scott? That's a good idea:

They've been sitting in their box in the closet for a year. Venezuela makes great leather products, including shoes, and my nephew is no cheapskate. (He's an accountant for Mobil oil down there. Used to work for Coca Cola and Earnst and Young.) Thing is, their sizes go metric, sizes in like the 20's, 30's, and I don't know how the conversion works with shoes.

Most of you know that I'm a pipsqueak (in stature only), and my shoe size is either a 6 or 6 1/2, and since this is like two sizes bigger, that makes it an 8 1/2.

When I get home I'll look at the exact metric size, see if anyone has any answers to this metric mystery here, and if that's your size, you got them...

Postage INCLUDED.

They're not the pointed cowboy style that I prefer, small square toe instead, but these are nicely made boots.

If they're not YOUR size, Scott, maybe I'll ask a mystery question to determine the winner.

Ira,
I appreciate the offer but I think they'd be too small. Is it Venezuela or Argentina that exports all the beef? Time for the mystery question..

Scott F.