Dad Jokes

[Tom&Shelly]

In a government office where I worked there was a door with a sign on it: "This door shall remain closed at all times!"

No...what the sign maker was thinking of is called a "wall".

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

I love going outdoors!

It's a lot safer than going out windows.

(Or walls.)

Tom

[rjgimp]

How do you get a farm girl's attention?

A tractor.

[Tom&Shelly]

Don't know why, during the cold war, so many countries thought communism was a good idea.

I mean, the red flags were everywhere!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Tonight we had a "one dish meal" for dinner: chopped up fried spam, diced onions, two cans of beans, canned tomatoes with green chili, all mixed together, topped with crushed Ritz crackers, and baked. Shelly hummed as she mixed the ingredients.

It was a stirring rendition!

Tom

[rjgimp]

If there's one thing that makes me throw up it's a dartboard on the ceiling!

[Tom&Shelly]

There is a place in France where everyone wears their clothing a size too large.

Toulouse.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

A young wolf pup wandered away from his pack, and found a family camping in the mountains. They mistook him for a stray dog and took him back home to Kansas as a pet. All was well until two years later, when they went back to camp in the same spot. The pup, not having learned the skills of wolves in a pack, got lost and wandered for several days, until, tired and hungry, his instincts took over and he let go with a lonely, mornful wolf howl.

Luckily, his wolf mother happened to be in the area and recognized his wail. She came to the rescue, bringing a dead rabbit. "What's this?" the pup asked.

"Carrion my wayward son. Save me a piece when you are done.
Lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more!"

Tom

[rjgimp]

[rjgimp]

BAD NEWS!!!!

My pet snake swallowed a tiny blue pill and now requires treatment for a reptile dysfunction.

[Tom&Shelly]

People are often shocked when they find out I am not an electrician.

When people comment on how Shelly and I fixed the leaks in our house, we realize our dreams of becoming unlicensed plumbers have gone down the drain!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

I stepped on our digital scale this morning and found I'd gained 3.14 pounds.

Shelly says it's the pi I ate for dessert.

Tom

[rjgimp]

If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or less poisonous?

[rjgimp]

To the person who taught me the meaning of plethora... thanks, it means a lot.

[Tom&Shelly]

How do you get four elephants in a mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you know there are eight elephants in the church?

Two minis in the parking lot.

Tom