Humor of the Day

[BILLYL]

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules'
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1'
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

[Podunkfla]

On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He
tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold
beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who
owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck
replies, "No way dog's in heat---she's cool cause I got 'ER tied under
the shade of the tree."

The policeman says, "No! You don't understand-- your dog needs to be
bred. "No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she's not
hungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem
to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck looks at him and says, "Well, shoot. Go ahead. I
always wanted a police dog!"

[tomsglr]

A Polish girl went to a Western Union office . She wanted to send a tele gram to her mother in Warsaw. The man told her to write it down, so she did. He looked at it and said "that will be $300. She said" Please sir, it is my mothers birthday and I must send this telegram but I don't have that much money. Isn't there some way that I can send it. He said "well yes there is". Come with me to the back room. So she did. HE said get on your nees in front of me. So she did. Then he said "unzip my pants". So she did. Then he said "take it out". So she did. Then he said"OK, go ahead". So she took it in her hands, held it close to her mouth, took a deep breath, and went "H E L L O MOM"?

Tom

[Podunkfla]

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office, asked
whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious
problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

[BILLYL]

Got this email:

Date:Tue, 9 Oct 2007 08:22:32 -0700
From:dphilbin@xxxxx
Subject:MY LIVING WILL...
To:undisclosed-recipients:;



Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer .

She's such a bitch....
______________________________________________________
Denis Philbin

[Bob Olszewski]

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband
in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred
yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my makeup.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I
confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the makeup, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Lusk

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Walter

[halfdome, Danny]

Click here: YouTube - John Pinette

[Jiminsav]

this is from a site called Bash.org..it's a quote from a IRC channel.

<@HEMI> I got in a car accident on the way home from work.
<@HEMI> I rear-ended someone.
<@HEMI> Guy gets out of his car; I get out of mine. He's a dwarf.
<@HEMI> We're sitting there waiting for the police to arrive and he goes, "I'm not happy."
<@HEMI> I said, "so which one are you?"

[Joseph]

A bit more relevant for us - John Pinette on camping.

Joseph

[s4son]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue 'Viagra' pills.

The pharmacist asked, 'How many?

'The man replied, 'Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.

'The pharmacist said, 'That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.

'The old fellow said, 'Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.'

[H@nk]

Do you know why Russian is that big?

Have you ever seen the turning circle of a LADA?

[H@nk]

A mouse and a elephant are going to the seaside. It is lovely weather.
They are standing and walking on the beach, the water looks lovely, but they are waiting. The mouse sayd to the elephant, put your foot in the water and tell me if we can go swimming. No said the elephant, I'm affraid. Why said the mouse. Well, the elephant said, I'm affraid you trough me in.

Henk

[Mike C.]

Company Policy: Effective Immediately

Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
See you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
Doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress
Poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer
Clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you
Are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
Are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.


Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
Friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
Non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
Involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
Afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
Subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
Three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
Will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open,
And a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
Posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's
Mental health policy.


Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
They can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
Balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes
For lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
Employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
Complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
Allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
Directed elsewhere.

The Management Team

[Mike C.]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
>raging,violent river.
>
>Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give
>me
>the strength to cross the river"
>
>Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
>across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
>
>After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me
>strength
>and the tools to cross the river"
>
>Poof!......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
>was
>able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
>
>
>Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God,
>please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
>river"
>
>Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
>hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[halfdome, Danny]

Mike, if you want to remove all those >> install Email Stripper free from Papercut. Danny