Humor of the Day

[Muggnz]

Jus' to prove I learn'd something @ skool

How do you tell the difference between Stalagmites & Stalactites?

david

[looped]

Jus' to prove I learn'd something @ skool

How do you tell the difference between Stalagmites & Stalactites?

david

one 'mite' make it to the ceiling and the other better hang on 'tite' to keep from falling

[Muggnz]

correct, but not the answer I have in front of me.

If it helps. We were told it by the deputy headmaster in skool assembly.

david

[Joseph]

StalaGmites are on the GROUND, StalaCtites are on the CEILING.

Sheesh. Ya think we didn't go to school too? Not only that, but we learned how to SPELL it!

Joseph

[Muggnz]

correct, but still not the answer I have in front of me.

I didn't learn how to spell it until after I left. Now I work in it

Here's a clue

The answer I'm looking for is mostly below the belt.

david

[madjack]

correct, but still not the answer I have in front of me.

I didn't learn how to spell it until after I left. Now I work in it

Here's a clue

The answer I'm looking for is mostly below the belt.

david

....hemorrhoids .................................................

[Muggnz]

Sorry, Jack.

The answer isn't painful.

However it is revealing ( there's another clue )

david

[Gaston]

when I was a kid a cute teacher taught us that" the MITES go up as the TITES come down"

[halfdome, Danny]

Wal-Mart Determines Man's Age!
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal- Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog dirt off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in you pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog dirt on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal- Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Pass gas out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

[Joe G]

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.



This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-$-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A-$-$-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull$hit and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.

[Muggnz]

Well done Gaston.

Our version had the tites likened to a Lady's tights. They always come down.

david

[TheBizMan]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee .
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell onto this field,
and now I' m going to retrieve it. '

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small
disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.''

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land , I get to go first.'

'I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will
and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, old man.
Now it's my turn.'



The old farmer smiled and said , 'Na, I give up. You can have the duck.'

[Kevin A]

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone
usually failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few
occasions when it did ring, her dog in the yard always moaned right before
the phone rang.

The telephone repairman came and climbed a nearby pole, hooked in his test
set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away,
but then the dog moaned loudly and then the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, he found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel
chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on him self and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to>ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[Miriam C.]

Why boys need parents!

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them

with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tr act of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic
toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

[starleen2]

Now where did I put that Clorox and brake fluid