Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding.

My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho!"

[SmokeyBob]

Top 10 Caddy Replies

10.) Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long"?

9.) Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try Heaven, you've already moved most of the Earth.

8.) Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving"?
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

7.) Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron"?
Caddy: "Eventually."

6.) Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

5.) Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."

4.) Golfer: "How do you like my game"?
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3.) Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday"?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2.) Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

1.) Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[SmokeyBob]

Three aspiring psychiatrists from three leading universities were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from UCLA, "what is the opposite of joy"?

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression"? he asked the young lady from Clemson.

"Elation," she said.

"And you, sir," he said to the student from Kansas State. "How about the opposite of woe"?

The KSU student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up!"

[SmokeyBob]

A priest and a minister are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground. The sign reads:

"The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

A car speeds past them, the driver yelling, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

There is the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash.

The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'"?

[SmokeyBob]

Why do elephants have short tails?
Because they can't remember long stories!

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
When your nose touches the ceiling! (Ouch! Or not.)

How come frogs don't park illegally and double park? Because...
They get toad.

What did Tennessee?
What Arkansas!
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey!
What did Idaho?
I don't know, Alaska.

[SmokeyBob]

Chatting with my mother-in-law, I asked, "Have you heard of this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"

"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'family jewels.'"

[SmokeyBob]

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St. Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven.

St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name, what did you accomplish during your life"?

The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen and I was a New York City taxi driver for 14 years."

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."

St. Peter looks at the Father and asks, "What is your name and what did you accomplish"?

He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan and I have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."

"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter. Why did I only get a cotton robe and a wooden staff"?

"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale. You see, while you preached, everyone slept. When he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"

[SmokeyBob]

The Fourth of July weekend was coming up and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

[D.J.]

[SmokeyBob]

Good one

[SmokeyBob]

Scott and Glenn are standing on top of a cliff. Scott has a budgie on his shoulder, while Glenn has a parrot.

Scott jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the budgie flies off and he continues to fall until he hits the ground in a crumpled heap.

Then Glenn jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the parrot flies off but he quickly pulls out a gun and shoots it dead. He then lands in a similar heap beside his friend.

Scott looks up and says, "Geez, that budgie jumping isn't any fun."

To which Glenn replies, "I can't recommend the free-fall parrot-shooting either."

[planovet]

On January 9th, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl
about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through
a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend
opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ...
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers,
and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey!
That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[SmokeyBob]

Good one.

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

While leading a tour of Kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an X-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone"? he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt"?

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break"?

"My sister's arm."