by Tumbleweed_Tex » Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:55 am
FAMILY TIES
Dear Cousin Tex,
This here is your ol' cousin, Dumas Ray, writin' you all the way from Spunky Flat, Texas. You probably don't member me...the last time I seen you, you wuz about knee high to the business end of a woodpecker.
Anyways, I been writin' to everone in the family, tellin' em bout the good knews...I am now an officially educated man.
I seen this ad in the Greater Spunky Flat Grazette down at the feedstore the other week, and I was powerful impressionated. It would seem that for only 69 dollars, a feller can get his high school diplomer...and not even have to go to school or nuthin'. One of them home schoolhouse programs…what’s the world comin’ to?
So I signed up, sent in my money, and got a big package of stuff in the mail. Don't really know why they sent so much junk...papers and books and all…guess they just want a feller to feel like he got his money's worth. Anyways, I went ahead and made my appointment, and went up to the Winkville prison yesterday and took my high school quivelency test. They said it would be about a week afore the scores come back, but I know I done good...the questions was so simple...even ol' Honey, my hound, coulda passed it. Guess they ain't used to us smart cuntry folks needin’ to take that test.
I mean it, Tex…the first question made me wonder what them kids up at the school do all day. It had a long list of words, and the instructions said...
Defind the words...
Shoot, anybody with good eyesight could see em...they wuz right there on the page, and they wanted you find em like they wuz hidin' or something. SSo, I says to myself...be cool Dumas...not everone in here is sharp as you are...so I busied myself in carefully circlin' ever word...just so they wuz sure I found em all.
The next question wanted you to discuss three main reasons why the North won the Civil War. That's when I knew that a bunch of them other folks in there with me wuz in big trouble. Ever Texan, by the time that they is 3 years old, knows full well that the Confederacy won that war, and that we just pretend to go along with the notion that the Yankees won, so as not to hurt nobody's feelin's. So, bein' in the know...I took my time explainin' that, but was careful to cover my answer so's nobody would be tempted to cheat.
And the very last thing on the page...it was a trick question...I knew they'd
throw in at least one of them, and I wuz ready.
It said to write down, in chemical terms, what happens when you burn gasoline in your car. Shoot...I busted right out laughin' and got a dirty look from the old woman who was admenstruating the test.
Ever body within fifty miles of Spunky Flat knows that Dumas Ray ain't even GOT no car...I drive a truck. And even if I DID have a car, I dang sure wouldn't burn nuthin inside it...let alone gasoline...they must be idjuts.
Anyways, like I said, I know I done good, I wuz the very first one to finish the test, and after one glance at my paper, the old lady up front just looked at me kinda dumbfounded...I guess nobody ever finished that soon.
I've already got the graduation party planned, and if you'd care to attend, I'd love to see you. It will be next Saterday night, 7 o'clock, in the back room of Gus' Cafe, Quik Lube, and Fangernail Emporium...it's on county road 333 'bout a mile past the place with all the warshing machines stacked in the yard.
You can't miss it...it's on the left...unless you're coming in from on the old river road...in which case its...yeah...still on the left.
Hope you can make it...
Your Cousin,
Dumas Ray