Monday Mornings Joke

Things that don't fit anywhere else...

Monday Mornings Joke

Postby Aussiedrops » Mon Apr 03, 2006 2:30 am

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad

news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,

which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure

creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to

remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he

was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he

was missing an important part of himself As he walked down the street, he

realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new

beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That! 's what I need - a new

suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new

shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed

Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about

some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! ! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years

old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size

34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your

spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit = $400

New shirt = $ 36

New underwear = $ 6

Second opinion PRICELESS

:rofl:

Dave
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Postby jbbooks » Tue Apr 04, 2006 8:44 am

:lol: :cry: :lol:
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Postby toypusher » Tue Apr 04, 2006 8:59 am

OUCH!! LMAO!
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Postby Aussiedrops » Sun Apr 09, 2006 11:49 pm

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the
President, I'm thinking of changing how my country is referred to,
and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have
to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?",
to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to
be a Prince - and you're not a Prince ".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire
then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies " Look Bush, to
be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an
Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country".



Dave :rofl2:
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Postby Aussiedrops » Mon Apr 17, 2006 2:59 am

This guy goes into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills... The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it! He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well... you pay ten dollars... and IF you pass three tests...you get all the money!!!"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up!
"What are the three tests?"
"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender..."Those are the rules."
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar... "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do... FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila...the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it...
SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth...You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...
THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse... You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."
The man is stunned... "I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is..."
The man has a few drinks... then a few more... Finally...he asks,
"WHERRRRE'S ZAAAAT! TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp...Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face... Next... he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up...The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside...They hear the pit bull barking... the guy screaming...the pit bull yelping ... and then .... SILENCE ... Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar ... with his shirt ripped... and large, bloody scratches all over his body...
"NOW........" he says..."WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!?!?


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Postby Aussiedrops » Mon Feb 16, 2009 5:36 am

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.

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