Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant.

"I'd like a pint of canary colored paint," he says.

"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it"?

"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."

"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"

"No, they won't," Jim replies.

"Listen, buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."

"You're on!" says Jim.

Two days later, Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.

"So, the paint killed your bird"?

"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."

[SmokeyBob]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his minister father if they could discuss the use of the car.

His father took him to his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, and we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.

They again went to the father's study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair..."

To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[SmokeyBob]

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love.

"I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.

"How so"? his friend asks.

"Five years ago, I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."

"Was that not love"? his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession.

And then two years ago, I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that love"?

"No," he replies. "That was lust.

And just last year, I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere we met on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that love"? his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was seasickness."

[SmokeyBob]

As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.

Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat, I heard his earnest request, "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

[SmokeyBob]

For all of you women who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. Since the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the old woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag"? asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

The Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "Let's take an example. If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be? Little Johnny?"

"You'd be his wife!

[SmokeyBob]

A golf club walks into a bar. "I'll have a beer, please."

"I'm sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?"

"You'll be driving later."

[parnold]

When I was a kid, I remember in school they made us draw a map of our state. New Jersey is a pain in the neck. Why couldn't I live in Wyoming, or Colorado?

[SmokeyBob]

Out in space, two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life formed on the earth planet have developed satellite based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so. They have them aimed at themselves."

[planovet]

[rbeemer]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
~ ~ ~
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
~ ~ ~
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
~ ~ ~
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
~ ~ ~
Question - Are there too many immigrants in the United States ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please. Me no speaka engrish."
~ ~ ~
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
~ ~ ~
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says "At my house we don't need nothin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "no I'm sure." "When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last damned thing we need."
~ ~ ~
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
~ ~ ~
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well ... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
~ ~ ~
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
~ ~ ~
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
~ ~ ~
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

[SmokeyBob]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[Tumbleweed_Tex]

Betcha a doughnut she was five minutes late.

[Tumbleweed_Tex]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."