Humor of the Day

[hugh]

An old man walks into a barber shop and asks the barber for a shave. He tells the barber my cheeks are so wrinkled I can,t get a good shave. The barber says No Problem and reaches for a small ball in a cup on his shelf. Here put this in your mouth up against your cheek. After he,s done the old man says thats the cleanest shave i,ve had in years. But, what would have happened if I had swallowed the ball. The barber just shrugged and said NO Problem just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else.

[Jiminsav]

[SmokeyBob]

The business I work for had a dinner together with all family members.

Before the first speech, the emcee gave the following announcement, “We kindly ask if you can please put all cell phones and children on vibrate.”

[SmokeyBob]

Q: What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?

A: Get out of the way.


Q: Why was Cinderella such a bad player?

A: Her coach was a pumpkin.


Q: Why are basketball players such messy eaters?

A: They're always dribbling.

[SmokeyBob]

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.

A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

[SmokeyBob]

Words to Live By?

- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

[SmokeyBob]

Man Of The House

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife. He went to a psychiatrist to discuss the problem.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness. After finishing the book, the man went home, stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my dinner, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," his wife answered.

[SmokeyBob]

You have an Internet addiction when . . .

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

Your dog's homepage is actually good.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

[SmokeyBob]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.

This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, sh**".

Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"

[SmokeyBob]

A math professor was administering the final exam to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class period, the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $62 change.

[rowerwet]

a college professor noticed one class enjoyed throwing their erasers at the clock, each direct hit caused the hands to jump forward, shortening the class period. Rather than confronting them, he acted as if it didn't bother him.
On the day of the final exam, he passed out the exam papers, then proceeded to occupy himself by throwing erasers at the clock...

[SmokeyBob]

IF BILL GATES WAS A REDNECK

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle

3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag

4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa

5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos

6. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse

7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Feebird!

8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart

9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt

10. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++

11. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag

12. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?

13. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"

14. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am

15. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse

16. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

17. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire...

18. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator

19. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

[rowerwet]

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

[SmokeyBob]

Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.

It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.

One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.

He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.

The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing whatever," responds her husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."

[SmokeyBob]

A Dirty Joke

A grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"