Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Jane was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Jane was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Jane decided to go into the store and told the manager that she would sue the store if they didn't do something about that rude bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When Jane walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

And the bird replied, "You know."

[SmokeyBob]

A fire started on a patch of prairie grasses near a farm. The county fire department was called, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested that the nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit could really help, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck that rumbled straight into the middle of the flames. The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

The farmer was so impressed and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000 on the spot. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

[SmokeyBob]

You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers..

Instant coffee takes too long.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

[SmokeyBob]

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

[SmokeyBob]

Down To Business

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He'd rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

[SmokeyBob]

Three turtles, Frank, Bill and Wally go on a picnic. Frank packs the picnic basket with soda and sandwiches and they set out to the picnic site five miles away.

It takes them five days to get there and by the time they arrive, they are starving. Then Frank realizes he's forgotten to pack to bottle opener. He asks Wally to go back home and pick it up.

Wally isn't sure about it, he's afraid Frank and Bill will eat all the food while he's gone. But the two turtles swear faithfully that they will not touch the food until he returns.

Wally sets off for home and five days pass. Frank is starving, but Bill reminds him of their promise and convinces him to wait.

Three more days pass, and Bill and Frank can't take it anymore. They lift the lid to the picnic basket and get ready to eat.

Just at that moment, Wally pops from behind a bush. "Just for that, I'm not going."

[SmokeyBob]

Camper Comments

These are actual comments left on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

“A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
“Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”
“Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”
“Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”
“Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”
“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”

[len19070]

Camper Comments

These are actual comments left on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

“A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
“Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”
“Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”
“Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”
“Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”
“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”

Place "Deer Crossing" signs closer to corners and pedestrian crossings instead of in the middle of the Block???

Happy Trails

Len

[hugh]

the difference between bird flu and swine flu? For bird flu you need tweet ment, for swine flu you need oink ment

[alaska teardrop]

"If God had meant you to have money, He would have made you a priest"

Sir John Fastolf - England

[RandyG]

If God didn't want us to eat animals, He would not have made them outta food.

[SmokeyBob]

Robert told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just plain lazy."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"

[alaska teardrop]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Mre7wIm ... r_embedded

There is a Noble St. in Fairbanks, no sheriff & the reindeer stay out of town. Besides, there is no VW dealer in the Land of the Midnight Sun.

Must be California.

[rowerwet]

closing time at the bar, two drunks stagger off toward home, taking a short cut through the cemetary they get seperated in the dark. the first one falls into an open grave ready for the next day, after vainly trying to get out, he gives up and lies down. However, it starts to rain which keeps him awake, he begins to yell "I'm COLD!", "I'm COLD!".
Hearing the noise, the second drunk finds his way to the hole, looks in and says "of course you are! you kicked off all your dirt!"

[SmokeyBob]

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, draws a gun and fires randomly into the air.

.As he is on his way out, the waiter asks him why.

The panda hands him a badly punctuated wildlife manual.

The waiter reads, "Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."