Humor of the Day

[asianflava]

So should you find a doctor that has guns?

[Miriam C.]

Way to go Gage. You set us all straight. Think I buy a gun next time I wanna visit the Doctor. Cost is about the same.

Miriam

[Gage]

DFW Air Traffic Control

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R -Allah be Praised!!"
Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah is Great !!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?

Moral: DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS


Have a good day.

[George Kraus]

The local town drunk walks in a bar and asks for a shot. The bartender, knowing the man has no money, tells him to leave unless he can pay. The drunk tells the bartender he has no money, and asks if the bartender will give him a drink if he drinks the spitoon. The bartender and agrees and the drunk picks up the spitoon and starts drinking it. This make the bartender sick to his stomach and he tells the drunk to put the spitoon down and that he will give him his drink. The drunk keeps drinking from the spitoon. Again the bartender pleads for the drunk to put down the spitoon and the drunk just keeps drinking from it. Finally the drunk has drank the entire contents of the spitoon and put it down and the bartender gives the drunk the drink he bargained for. The bartender then asks the drunk why he drank the entire spitoon and says he would have given him the drink if he would have just put it down when he asked him to. The drunk replied "Couldn't stop, it was all one strang".

[RKH]

EEWWWWWWWWWWW! ^^^^^

A gentleman of advancing age and diminishing memory (both short and long term) walks into a bar.

He chooses a stool next to a drop-dead gorgeous, long-legged patron of the feminie gender.

After settling into his seat, he looks the gorgeous creature up and down and then says:
"So tell me, do I come here often?"

[PaulC]

WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN


HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours .

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.


HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today .

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams .

[Aussiedrops]

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed
in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water
12% said it was to go to the toilet
83% said it was to go home

[halfdome, Danny]

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

Your garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character!

Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!!!

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it!

[cracker39]

An Irishman was heavily into his cups one night in his local pub when a stranger entered saying, "I have a leopard to sell for five pounds. Do I have any takers?"

Sure Johnny had never owned a leopard and thought that with it he could have a circus-like at his house and earn his five pounds back quickly. "I'll have a look", said Johnny, and he and the stranger went out to the stranger's truck and there in a cage in the back was a huge great cat with spots all over his body.

"I'll take him," said Johnny.

"One warning, though", the stranger said. "He don't like water except in his drinking bowl, so don't try to give him a bath, no matter."

"I understand", said Johnny. "I got an old uncle the same," and he paid the stranger the 5 pounds. They climbed into the truck and drove to Johnny's house and dropped off the leopard in the cage. And people came and paid 6 pence to see it, and Johnny was excited about this new source of income.

About a week or so later, the cage began to smell a bit gamy so he decided to wash it out, hooking up his gardening hose to wash out the bottom of the cage. Some of the water squirted onto the leopard who began to swat at the water stream and get it all over his coat.

Johnny thought, "The guy said it don't like to take a bath, but it's doing it by itself." So he squirted the leopard directly which the leopard loved, so he squirted more, until he saw what his eyes could not believe: the spots on the leopard began to run and wash off. After a thorough washing, it turned out to not be a leopard at all, but an African lion with his neck hairs cut very short.

It was the first recorded case of a "Leopard-Con" in Ireland.

[Aussiedrops]

Two Engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second Engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second Engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you."



What’s the difference between a Civil and Mechanical Engineer?
A mechanical Engineer builds weapons, a civil engineer builds targets.....



To the optimist the glass is half full. To the pessimist the glass is half empty. To the Engineer the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a Mechanical Engineer, just look at all the joints" Another said "No it was an Electrical Engineer, the nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections" The last said "Actually it was a Civil Engineer. Who else would put a Toxic waste system next to a recreational area?"

[stjohn]

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around
the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it
is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his
finger
in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on
it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!

[WOLFPUPPY]

TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES


Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home
Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What
does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[stjohn]

A man walked into a 7 11 and handed the clerk a 5 dollar bill and said I need 5 dollars worth of gas , the clerk farted and gave him a reciept
(rim shot)

[Micro469]

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon
could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The
new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I
can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to
his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon,
and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, what's wrong? Can't you hear?."

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a
damned thing!"

[cracker39]

If I had read this 40 years ago, I don't think I'd have had any kids!!!

POSITION: Mom, Mommy, Ma, Mama, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, and PaPa

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

With the greatest rewards of all of becoming a Grand Parent and be able to limit the responsibilities and still receive all the benefits.