Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Quick Questions

Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?

A: Because if it had four it would be a sedan!

Q: What did the termite say when he walked into the bar?

A: Where is the bar tender?

[SmokeyBob]

A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying "I am not sure that is a duck."

The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."

The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky.

He turns to the pathologist and says "Go see if that was a duck."

[len19070]

Mansion Tour

North of Pittsburgh a Historical Society was having a tour of Local Mansions.

At the first stop the tour guide explained how this was a 15,000 square foot mansion with 8 bedrooms and an Olympic size swimming pool.

A visitor asked.

What did the owner do for a living?

To which the tour guide answered;

He made his fortune in Lumber.

At the second stop the tour guide explained how this was a 25,000 square foot mansion with 16 Bedrooms and 2 Olympic size swimming pools, one inside and one outside as well.

Again the same visitor asked?

What did he do for a living?

To which the tour guide answered;

He was the CEO of Pittsburgh Plate Glass.

Then they went to a truly Opulent Mansion…

180,000 square foot, on 1450 acres, with horse stables, 4 Olympic Pools 2 inside, 2 outside…one of which was “Salt Water”…..an exact replica of the Queen of England’s Summer retreat in Upping Shire, complete with 4 Ball Rooms, a Cricket field, Fox hunt Reserve and 7 guest houses.

Again the same visitor asked?

What did he do for a living?

To which the Tour guide answered….

He sold Staples to John Serro!

[SmokeyBob]

Divorce Court

Henry and Molly were in divorce court after many years of marriage. The judge asked, "Henry, is it true that through the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Molly?"

"Yes, your honor, that is correct."

"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?"

Harry replied, "I didn't want to interrupt her, Your Honor."

[SmokeyBob]

Explain That One, Mom

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

[SmokeyBob]

Eating Magnets

Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure"? she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "You could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

[SmokeyBob]

Classifieds

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.


FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog


NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby


GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. $375 Call Stephanie.

[SmokeyBob]

A man walks into a bar. sits down and immediately hears a little voice that says, "Nice Tie".

Man looks around and then hears, "Nice shirt".

The man, flustered, asked the bartender, "What's that voice?".

Bartender replies, "Oh that's the peanuts, they're complementary

[SmokeyBob]

"Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected." ~ Robert Orben

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else." ~ Emily Dickinson

“If you don't know [your family's] history, then you don't know anything. You are a leaf that doesn't know it is part of a tree” ~ Michael Crichton

[SmokeyBob]

An E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk in to a bar and the bartender says: "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors.""


"Little lad came home from school and said: "Dad, I just got a part in the school play. I'm the husband." The Dad replies: "Never mind, son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part.""

"There are three types of people in the world: those that can count and those that can't."

[SmokeyBob]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said: "Okay, but don't go into that field over there --" The DEA Agent interrupted, saying: "Look mister, am a government authority! See this badge? This badge means I can go wherever I want!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later he heard screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers bull.

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

[len19070]

Why Old Men do not get hired

*Job Interview*

Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a crap what you think.”

Happy Trails

Len

[SmokeyBob]

Haunting Story

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer dashes to his studio, develops the film and…learns that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.

Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

[SmokeyBob]

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[SmokeyBob]

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."