Humor of the Day

[D.J.]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity bout the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter.

[len19070]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Happy Trails

Len

[alaska teardrop]

[666K9]

A little military humor:

New High School Teacher

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence...
The rest of the year went very smoothly.

[SmokeyBob]

Home For The Holiday

Eddie in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, "I'm sorry to tell you but your mother and I are getting a divorce. I just cannot tolerate any more of her constant complaining. We can't stand the sight of each other any more. I'm telling you first, Jerry, because you're the oldest. Please tell your sister."

When Jerry calls his sister Julie in Miami, she says: "No way are they getting divorced. I'll go there for Thanksgiving and talk them out of it."

Julie phones here father and tells him: 'You must not get divorced. Promise me you won't do anything until I get over there. I'm calling Jerry and we'll both be there with you tomorrow. Until then, don't take any action. Please listen to me." Then she hangs up.

The father puts down the phone, turns to his wife Frances and says. "Good news! Jerry and Julie are coming for Thanksgiving, and they're both paying their own way.

[SmokeyBob]

Higher- Ups

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

[SmokeyBob]

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the Ritz Hotel in NYC

As the car traveled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $100 dollar bill lying on the lift's floor.

Which one picked up the $100 bill, and handed it in at reception desk?

Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!

[SmokeyBob]

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana.

He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."

"Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.

"I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner."

The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000."

The man said okay, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left.

The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!"

The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."

[SmokeyBob]

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.

All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

[SmokeyBob]

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, In case of emergency, notify: I answered, a doctor.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[SmokeyBob]

It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service.

“Well”, said the clergyman “'I guess there's no point in having a service today.”

“Well that's not how I see it,” said the farmer. “If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.'

[SmokeyBob]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[SmokeyBob]

Santa Claus is a woman because:

The vast majorities of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.

A man would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Men can’t pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don’t answer their mail.

Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

[SmokeyBob]

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

[SmokeyBob]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"