Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Actual Answers From Fifth Grade Science Tests

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead
sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

[SmokeyBob]

Three Groaners

Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?

It's making headlines

What do you get when cross a bee with a sheep?

A bah- humbug

What's the best way to carve wood?

Whittle by Whittle

[SmokeyBob]

Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"

"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

[SmokeyBob]

Real Insurance Accident Reports

The truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of it path when it struck my front end.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.

[SmokeyBob]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[SmokeyBob]

Football Riddles

Q: How is the bad economy affecting the Super Bowl?

A: Instead of a coin toss they are now going to play rock, paper, scissors!

Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Superbowl?

A: No one knows, and we may never find out!

Q: What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl?

A: The Dallas Cowboys.

[SmokeyBob]

Lost In Translation

Years ago, while transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor.
After listening to the tape, he shook his head. "This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

[SmokeyBob]

I came across some well-worn and dusty encyclopedias from when I was kid while, when clearing out a closet. I put them on a shelf in the shed, where my grandchildren found them and spent many happy hours looking at the pictures.

One Sunday after church while I was talking to the pastor, my grandson asked loudly, “Grandpa after dinner, can we go in the back yard have a look at those dirty books you keep in the shed?"

[SmokeyBob]

One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom.

A few minutes later, he returned to my nurse's station with an empty cup.
"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."

[SmokeyBob]

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "I'm on the wrong bus!"

[SmokeyBob]

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

[SmokeyBob]

My friend and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse.

He got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one.

Not having time to buy a card on his way home, He was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office—and got an idea.

Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.”

[SmokeyBob]

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!

Then there was the guy who promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine's Day.
So he took her to a baseball park!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!

[SmokeyBob]

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. He did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the doctor said, "He just needs to be changed."

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package specifically stated it is good for up to 10 lbs!"

[SmokeyBob]

A doctor worked on the tenth floor of an office building. In the building was a pub, where the doctor had a lemon daiquiri, every day at quitting time. The bartender's name was Dick.

One day he found out he didn't have any lemons and no time to get any. So he thought he would make up a hickory daiquiri instead and at the end of the day, the doctor would be too tired to notice.

The doctor sat down, took a sip and said "This isn't a lemon daiquiri, Dick!"

To which Dick replied, "No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc."