Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased. What an honest man he was, what a loving husband and kind father he had been.

The widow, meanwhile was ever so slightly shaking her head, as she intently listened to the preacher's words.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Erica, honey, go on up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa in there."

[SmokeyBob]

The math teacher saw that little Andy wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Andy! What are 4, 2, 28, and 44?"

Little Andy quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, MTV and the Cartoon Network!"

[SmokeyBob]

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

[SmokeyBob]

Larry tripped on a broken curb and went to the hospital.

After examining him, the doctor said, "I have some good news, and some bad news for you. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."

Larry replied, "Okay, now what's the bad news?"

[SmokeyBob]

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"

[SmokeyBob]

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. No sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I'd never stand in another line!"

[SmokeyBob]

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly, she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you"?

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."

[SmokeyBob]

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

[SmokeyBob]

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule"?

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can keep the duck!"

[SmokeyBob]

Brian reported for his final exam which consisted of Yes / No answers.

He took his seat in the examination hall, stared at the test, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter out of his pocket. He started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.

Within 30 minutes he was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Brian frantically started flipping the coin again.

The moderator, concerned about what he was doing, stopped by his desk and asked if everything was ok.

"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago—but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"

[SmokeyBob]

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

[bobhenry]

Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rules were that it had to be done in ten minutes and they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:



10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!



9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.



8. Viagra, like a rock!



7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.



6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.



5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.



4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.



3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!



2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.


You're never too old to learn something stupid.

[SmokeyBob]

[SmokeyBob]

60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage and blurted out, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes ... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say yes? Or did she say no? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. So with fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say yes or did you say no?"

"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will! ... And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"

[SmokeyBob]

First guy: What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue?

Second guy: I don’t know.

First Guy: You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna.

Second Guy: What about the glue.

First Guy: I knew you’d get stuck on that one.