Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Riddles

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin PI

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crummy.

[SmokeyBob]

History Quiz

Teacher: “True or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.”
Student: “False. It was written in ink.”

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.

Why did Paul Revere ride from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

What did King George think of the American colonist?
He thought they were revolting!

[SmokeyBob]

Geography Lesson

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes Father, but in those days there were only 13 states.

[SmokeyBob]

Happy 4th

"The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she said.

“One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.” One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .

“I’m not free. I’m four.”

[SmokeyBob]

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jerkface?”

[SmokeyBob]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching movies wiht topless women."

Dad says, "What? At your age I would never have done anything like that." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

[SmokeyBob]

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

[SmokeyBob]

While making rounds, a doctor pointed out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

[SmokeyBob]

Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers.

One trainee boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!” His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”.

[SmokeyBob]

When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. “For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk.”

“I don’t understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”

[SmokeyBob]

A young man was hitchhiking down south and a farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift.

As they were driving, the farmer started bragging about how good the local moonshine whiskey was. The young man told the farmer that he didn’t drink very much, and that moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes.

“Nonsense!” said the farmer. “You gotta try some.” He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. “Here,” he said, handing the jar to the lad. “Take a drink!”

“Oh, no thanks,” said the young man. “I really don’t think I care for any.”

“No, I insist,” pressed the farmer. “Have some.”

“No, thanks — really,” said the young man.

The farmer wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, “I said, take a drink!”

“Okay! Okay!” said the young man. He took a few swallows and instantly realized just how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound.

“What do you think of it?” asked the farmer. “Good, ain’t it?”

“Yeah,” gasped the lad, afraid he would be forced to drink more if he disagreed, “I guess so.”
Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. “Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me drink some!”

[SmokeyBob]

Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.

This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn catches his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"

[SmokeyBob]

Q: How can you tell if a singer is at your door.

A: They can’t find the key and they never know when to come in.

Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

[SmokeyBob]

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

[SmokeyBob]

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers

He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”.
It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms.
He can’t stick his head out of Windows.